I don't brag much.
I never see the point. I don't need a pat on the back or sympathy.
I'm a single mom.
I have been for many years.
It is a struggle, a constant struggle.
I am so fortunate to have kids that turned out so great. They could have been such different people without my sacrifices.
My son is now an engineer. He has his head on straight. He works hard and is smart with his money.
My daughter is a straight A student and is on path to graduate with honors. She works, has a boyfriend and still manages to get constant As throughout her high school career.
I am amazed by both.
It has never been easy. It is so hard to be strong for them while over coming obstacles, many of which were put in my path by their fathers.
I am sure some of you are reading this and thinking about their fathers. Both fathers chose to bow out. They left turmoil and unknowns behind. They left me to deal with late night vomit, heartbreaks, homework, deadlines, school projects, fundraisers, practices, no money, utility shutoffs, and homelessness.
These fathers never had to make decisions, never signed field trip slips. They never offered to coach soccer. They never had to make sure the kids had to get to school on time. There never had to be around when a meltdown started.
I have learned enough about cars to encourage my son's love of them.
I've struggled with money. I have wondered how to put food on the table. I've even been evicted by my daughter's father.
I gave up on my own dreams, my own sanity, my own happiness for the sake of raising good kids.
I think I've earned the right to brag a little.
I have managed to raise successful adults.
It hasn't been easy.
As a child I remember the hand me downs. I always received clothes from my older cousins. Getting a new bag of old clothes was always fun for me. I loved my cousins' sense of style. (Even though I think my aunts had all the doing in it.)
We weren't poor but we weren't rich either.
I think my parents saved money this way. Geico wasn't around to switch to back in the late 70's.
These days I think my daughter would have a major melt down at the very thought of wearing hand me downs. She will not even go to Goodwill for Pete's sake.
I try to explain that second hand jeans are the best when they are already broke in. She doesn't buy it.
(Can't wait till that kid gets a job.)
What got me thinking about hand me downs didn't even have to do with clothes.
I am typing this blog on a hand me down (over) laptop. My daughter never used it.
NEVER
Do you know what her father had paid for this thing?
Anyway...
My other laptop, which was a hand me down (over) from my son, completely died.
There was no fanfare, no sparks, no blue screen of death. It just stopped taking a charge. No matter what new charger I bought for it, it just decided to die.
My children didn't only hand me down (over) computers....oh no.
I also have an iPad mini that my daughter never used.
Crazy eh?
These kids are strange.
Maybe they get it from me....
who knows.
But I like hand me downs.
never mind.... I'm not making sense.
I keep referring to my kids handing me "over" because they aren't really handing stuff down to me. I am older after all.
But they are taller than me...but I digress.
The real blessing in using the hand me down (over) electronics is that I can spend my money on other things. Like groceries, bills and gas to get to work.
Maybe someday my kids will change their minds when they have kids of their own.
I haven't blogged in awhile.
My laptop took a crap and I am using my son's, which isn't the easiest to use. As I type, the cursor moves around and typos happen.
I also haven't had much to say. Who wants to hear about my adventures in fondling tomatoes and inspecting bananas?
Anyway....
This time of year is graduation. It is a happy time for families and students.
As I scrolled through my Facebook feed the other day I came across a photo of my aunt and uncle with their granddaughter. I teared up suddenly. My aunt looks so much like my mother. The same salt and pepper hair, the same shape face. I starred at the photo. My cousin's daughter reminds me of my own with long brown hair and a wide smile. I cried.
My mother died a few years ago from lung cancer. I never really sobbed over it. I don't think I grieved like you would imagine what grieving would be like. It is weird and hard to explain. I just expected to break down but I never did.
Back to the photo...
I think my tears came from anger. I am angry at my mom for dying. It is such a raw and real emotion. It came from just picturing my own mother and daughter on Kate's graduation day. This will never happen.
I used to think my mom would be around to share in my children's life events.
I think what angers me the most is that she was so selfish to not see a doctor sooner or to take better care of herself. She admitted that she hadn't seen a doctor of 17 years prior to the cancer diagnosis.
Maybe is a normal feeling to be angry.
I also think I am thinking more of missing my mother because I have been through some rough times over the last couple of years. There are times I wish I could just call her. She had a way of talking you off the ledge and give you a sense that everything will be ok.
Sigh...
