I don't know how well this is going to come across in writing since it is over 2:30 in the freaking morning. I don't have insomnia like I have in the past. I just have a head full of anger.
My son has been going through some crap lately. Not just a little crap but a whole big shit ton of crap.
I feel so helpless.
I know how he feels and no matter what someone says or does, it won't make anything better.
I totally get that.
The one thing that really burns my toast is that his father is totally unconnected. It is almost like since my kid was born, he has not been anything to his own father.
I know he reached out and mention to his dad the things that have been happening to him and didn't really get a reply.
The father has absolutely no idea what his kid is dealing with.
My son told me that he feels like he doesn't mean anything to his dad unless it involves money.
My heart sank.
This man has no idea what a wonderful kid he is ignoring. He has no freaking idea how much his kid needs a father figure for advice or even as a sounding board.
I hate the fact that this man seems to be such an awesome dad to his other kids but doesn't even give a rats ass about his oldest.
I wish I could tell him how I feel but I don't think it will do a damn bit of good. It never did any good for my son's first 20 years. Even if I did tell him, he would some how turn it all into my fault anyway.
I hate this man.
It is such a sad situation and I feel like I need to apologize to my son for giving him such an asshole for a father.
I wasn't going to mention Robin Williams but I guess I just did.
Seems that the whole world is buzzing about it. It also seems that many are also mentioning suicide and posting links to hotlines and such.
Not to be a negative Nancy, because it is all quite nice and all, but why wait to say something after someone famous dies at their own hands?
Many of us suffer from depression. I have written about it numerous times. I struggle daily with it. It isn't something that you can just make all better with pills and conversation.
Trust me....
To describe actual depression to someone is almost impossible. We each feel it differently and yet similarly at the same time. We try all sorts of methods to keep it in check. We talk about it, write about it, sing about it. It is just still there.
Sometimes it becomes too intrusive and we have to go the drastic route to eliminate it.
And that's unfortunate.
I haven't been blogging much.
I have been struggling with my own issues. Life hasn't been too grand. It has been downright shitty.
I am amazed at how well I am holding up.
I did take a time out from Facebook though. This always helps. People are shitty. They may not think that they are, but.... Well, you know.
I get sick of hearing about other peoples shitty lives. I get sick of people passing judgments. I get sick of all of the negativity. I get so sick of the narcissism. I get sick of all the happy posts too.
None of this shit is good for those of us who have depression.
There just ain't a big enough pill for that.
I find that taking the time to focus on other things helps. I start reading more, creating more, getting out more...everything else more and FB less just helps.
I suppose I could write out all of the shitty shit that I have been dealing with but seriously, no one needs to read it. I am not looking for sympathy or solutions. I certainly don't need another anonymous letter showing up.
It's my shit and I'll deal with it.
I just want others to know that depression sucks. You can say poor Robin, he was battling some serious shit....blah blah blah. Yep, he was and that shit won.
Those of us who suffer from depression tend to mask it rather well. We sometimes are silent. Some of us tend to use humor. I think some of the funniest people are also the most depressed.
When reading some posts about Robin and so many people can't understand why someone who was so funny would want to kill themselves.
I know exactly why.
Funny does not translate into happy.
