Questioning Karma

Have you ever said "Karma will get them"?

Lately I have been wondering who I wronged so much that I am going through such rough times.

I've been dealing with work and personal issues for the last month or so.  My strength is being tested.

I am so close to saying "fuck it" and just disappear.

This is not how I expected my life to be.  I constantly wonder if I will ever be truly happy.  Will I ever be stress free?  Will my  depression eventually win and I will just end?

The recent events are due to my ex husband and his girlfriend.  I can't talk about the details because I can see this ending up in court.

What I can talk about is just how I am handling it.  

I just don't feel safe;  not in my home, not at work, not anywhere.

Today they showed up after being told to stay the hell away until the court system decides who has the rights regarding the house.

I called 911 and it took the police over 5 minutes to arrive.  What if they broke in and hurt me?  What if they set the house on fire?

People do some crazy shit these days.

I am trying to stay strong but all I want to do is just disappear.

So I am left wondering what the hell did I do that was so awful to deserve all of this.  

I have never felt so alone in my feelings until now.

The Face of Depression

My face is the face of depression.

Tonight it is at an all time maximum.  I don't know how to ask for help.  I do not know how to control it.

It consumes me.

Just when I think I'll be ok, I have sunk even lower before.

I stood in the bathroom for some time trying so hard to compose myself.  I was fighting the urge to cut my wrists.  I caught the pill bottle out of the corner of my eye, held it in my hand for a moment.  I opened the lid and dumped the contents in my hand.  The pills felt like pebbles as I stood there crying.  For one brief moment I considered popping them in my mouth but I dropped them into the toilet and flushed.

I cried harder.

How do I ask for help?  At this hour?  Who do I call?  Where do I turn?

I feel so alone in this.

I came back to bed and decided to write.  Writing seems to help.  I hesitated because I am sure there will be someone out there reading this who will think that this is all for attention.  

If it is you, you can kiss my ass.

My face is a face of depression.  There are many more like mine out there.  

We are not alone.  There are millions of faces just like mine.

We can be good liars.  We will tell you we are ok when we are breaking inside.  We will tell you we are fine when we are certainly not.  We will smile, joke, laugh; hell, some of us are downright funny.  But we are dying inside.

We mostly suffer in silence.

We believe that we are unlovable.  We believe we are overweight, ugly and damned.  We believe that we aren't worthy of being happy.  We believe that we will be rejected by anyone we reach out to.

Why would someone love us, we are just a hideous mess?

Depression isn't something we can just "get over".  We just can't take a walk or soak up some sun.  It doesn't work that way.

It is so difficult to explain how depression feels.  It is way more complicated that just being sad.  It is more than just crying.  It is more than just feeling empty and numb.

Depression is a liar.  I know this and I am sure that others like me know it as well.  Sometimes the lies become our believable truth.

Tonight was a small victory, the pills were flushed.  There are many others out there who lost their battle.  It saddens me that we do suffer alone when there are so many of us.

My face is a face of depression.

Above photo was taken right after I flushed the pills.

Suicide Prevention Hotline

800-273-8255