His Voice

 

I actually heard him before I saw him.  His voice is the very same that once whispered in my ear, the very same that laughed with mine, the very same that lied.

He didn't see me.  I made sure if that.  If we had made eye contact, I am not sure what would have happened and I just am not ready to find out.

I knew I would run into him eventually.  I knew he had moved back to our hometown and it isn't a very large place.  Hell, technically, we live on a freaking island.

It was eight years ago that we last spoke, but my ears could tell, it was him.  I took a peek to see and it was him but only fatter and his hair was growing in a ring instead of being bald.  I made sure that he wouldn't see me.  I had my mask on and my hair over my eyes.  I am still not prepared for a polite hello or even a nod.

A punch to the head maybe.....

It is amazing how just a simple sound can trigger such an emotion.  Everything flooded back into the forefront of my mind.  The memory of an immense hurt and feelings of inadequacy, such a powerful emotion to feel.

I've been through therapy and worked hard at getting my strength back.  I have learned that what happened was not due to anything that I had done.  Cheaters and liars do what they do because of their own demons and they take apart anyone in their wake.

That instant of hearing his voice, triggered that one instance of going back to the place before I got help, that one instance of feeling small and insignificant.  I felt that I wasn't enough once again.  It was a dark place that I really didn't want to encounter again.

Seriously though, there wasn't anything special about him.  He is an ordinary man, doing an ordinary job in a small town.  He isn't a prince or even important.  He just was him.

And yet, during our time, he was mine and I trusted everything.  I believe everything.  

But that was my side of the coin....

A different reality was happening on his side.

I will never truly understand why he was the way he was with me.  I never will.  I can't just ask him because he holds no truth.

Sometimes I wish that he would know my truth.  How I was left and how broken I was.  I wish he could know how much hurt his deceit had caused.  Perhaps it really doesn't matter now. 

It's been eight years.  Eight long years of trying to figure out how to trust again.  How to open up and show my heart.  How to let someone in.  Even now, I still don't know if I can fully do it.  My heart hurts in fear just typing it.

Not everyone is my ex.  <-- I need that on a card or something to remind myself.

It is still strange how his voice is what I heard first after so many years.  It caused me to stumble a little, but I am good now.

Shitstorm

I hesitate to write this.  I've been silent for so long while a shitstorm is brewing around me.

This is a continuation of my blog entry, A Total Miscarriage of Justice.

December 1, 2017 is a day I will remember as one of the worse days of my life.

Everyday from the day the judge ordered in favor of the eviction up until December 1st and after has been hell.

After the court hearing, I started packing.  I had to get everything packed and out of the house as fast as I could.  I couldn't risk getting kicked out without having all of my belongings safe.

Once everything was out and stored in a safe place, I still couldn't rest.  It was just a wait until my new place was ready to move into on December 1st.  I was in a constant state of anxiety just waiting for that knock at the door from the sheriff.

We stayed in an empty house on air mattresses, just hoping we had time and we weren't going to be homeless for a couple of days.  I also became so incredibly angry with the ex for allowing this all to happen.

On December 1st, I had the help of my friend, kids and dad to gt everything moved into our new place.  I was and still am in constant fear that the crazy bitch will find me and my daughter.

We had almost everything moved in and I get a phone call from the local police asking me what I was going to do with my dog that was still at the house.  I felt me skin go white.  I asked him why was he at the house and that we weren't done moving yet.  He said he was at the house with the bitch and that they wanted to know what to do with the dog.  I said I was going to be right over and hung up.

When we get there, she is yelling and screaming and dragging my dog out of the house in her kennel.  I'm yelling at her to let go and the cop is yelling at her to let go.


We get the dog taken care of.  I told the officer that there are still two cats in the house and that that crazy bitch is in the house illegally.  He said that she has the paperwork and when I asked to see it, he wouldn't let me see it.

My son opened the garage door using the code.  My car is still in the garage.  She comes storming out screaming that I am trespassing and she closes the garage door.  I'm yelling that she's in the house illegally and the cop is yelling that he will cite us both.

Total chaos.

She gets the garage door closed.

My daughter asks about the cats.  The cop wouldn't let anyone in.  My daughter explains that her dad is in the house so the cop lets her go in.

Kate grabs my coat off the counter.  (I assume she is going to use it to wrap the cat in it). That crazy bitch grabs my daughter and throws her down on the floor right in front of the cop and her father.  I hear my daughter crying and the cop yelling about disorderly conduct.  The bitch is yelling at the cop and my ex.  I assumed that my daughter was crying because the cat scratched her.  I only learned about the assault afterwards when I was called to the station to press charges.

A second cop shows up.

The bitch is inside going nuts.  I hear her yelling at my ex who is telling her to give me my stuff.  The cop is yelling at her.  My kids, my friend and I are all standing outside with the second cop.

The second cop tells me that she has never seen anything like this.  Clearly the bitch entered the house illegally.  She was supposed to have the sheriff serve paperwork before the house could legally be entered.

I decided to call the sheriff's office since they do evictions and our local police do not.  I knew it was wrong for the bitch to be in the house and to keep my car and the rest of my stuff.

Yes, she was going to keep my car.

While waiting for the sheriff, my ex comes out with my bedding.  It is soaking wet.  I asked him why in the hell it was wet.  He said it was on the bathroom floor.  I knew I left it on the kitchen counter and why in the hell was it wet.

I glance in the front door, there was water in the hallway.  I look my ex in the eye and say, "that crazy bitch flooded the house".  He said that there was water all over the basement and the upstairs bathrooms as well.  

I just could not believe the level of crazy and this story isn't even over yet.

A sheriff deputy shows up and goes right in the house.  There is more yelling.

My daughter is still trying to catch the cats.

So much chaos....

A second deputy shows up.

More yelling.

The cats are finally caught and secured in cars.

My daughter is being comforted by the cop who is outside with us.

Yelling and screaming inside the house.

At one point the cop outside with us must have seen the bitch lunge at one of the officers in the house.  She puts her hand on her gun and prepares to enter the house.  She apologized to us and explained that officer safety is her priority.

Finally our local cop comes out and explains that the sheriff deputies have explained that she is in the house illegally and that I am free to take my car and go.

I am allowed in the garage and go to get into my car and notice that there is glass all over the seat.  I look up and my windshield is smashed and a tire iron is laying my the car.

My heart sank.

I called the cop over and showed him.  I took a picture and he said just get in and go.

I look up and the two deputies are trying to hold the bitch back in the garage doorway.  She was trying to come after me.

There are no words to fully explain how I feel.  It has been a couple of months since this happened.

I am still very angry.  I constantly look over my shoulder.  That crazy bitch is incredibly violent.  She has physically attacked my ex.  She cannot know where I live.  I'm escorted out of work.  I worry for my daughter's safety.

There is so much more to this shitstorm that what I can say or write about at this time.

To be continued...

A Total Miscarriage of Justice

I never in a million years expected something so horrible could happen to my family.

This blog has been written and deleted and rewritten again because I wasn't too sure I wanted to share or if I wanted to keep it to myself.

So I guess sharing won.

To give some history....

I was married once to a guy and we had a kid.  We bought a house.  We had problems and divorce.  The kids and I moved out.  (My son was from a previous nightmare relationship.)  

Fast forward ten years....

My kids and I were living in a small apartment and the neighbors were giving the police lots of business.  I approached my ex since he bought a new house and our old house was sitting vacant for two years. I offered to buy it from him on land contract.  

We saw a lawyer but never finalized things.

My dumb ass moved us in anyway, trusting this man to follow through with finalizing everything.

Fourteen months go by.....14!

His new girlfriend doesn't like the idea of any of this,

She gets herself involved.  She gets him to sign a power of attorney.

She files for eviction.

SHE. FILES.

Not him

This eviction goes to court and then is dismissed on a technical issue.

I agreed to be moved out by December 15th.  

I agreed!!!!  

A second eviction was filed by her six days after the first eviction was dismissed.

SIX DAYS!!!

Even after I said I was moving out.

Second eviction was filed by her without him even knowing she did it.

SERIOUSLY!!!

My ex said he was going to get the second eviction dismissed.  He told me this in person.  He said this in front of his daughter.  He said he was going to call me the next day. 

He never called so I called him..... six times.

He never answered.

I get a phone call from the chief of our local police department telling me to stop harassing my ex and that I am not allowed to call him again.

SERIOUSLY!!!

So I put together an answer to the complaint and went to court today.  The judge asked if I had anything in writing regarding the land contract, the agreements of my move out date, the dismissal.....

Of course my trusting dumb ass never thought about getting anything in writing.

And then the judge said that I had plenty of time to make arrangements to move out with my ex.  When I explained that there was no way to contact my ex since I get a trespassing ticket if I knock on his door (the girlfriend's doing) and I can't call him, the judge said that he is finding in favor of the eviction.

I was stunned.

I have a signed lease with my new place and can't move in until December 1st. 

The judge didn't care.

I mentioned that my daughter's father is making her homeless.

The judge didn't care. 

My daughter's father just allowed her to become homeless.

This man didn't even have the balls to come to court.  He gave his shitty girlfriend power of attorney over my property.  He hasn't even been with this twat for a whole year.

I came home to a sobbing child and I can't make this better.

I tried calling the ex's mother to try to get her to have him call me.  I explained what happened and how upset my daughter is and as that woman was hanging up, I heard her laughing.

The grandmother was laughing.

WTF!


We have about three days before the sheriff comes to remove us.  We will not have any access to any of our property that is left here.

I cannot believe how quickly this whole mess went wrong.  I keep thinking that this is a nightmare and that it isn't happening.

It is right before the holidays.

How does a father allow this to happen?  What kind of grandmother laughs at her granddaughter's sorrow?  What kind of family does this?

WTF!!!

I am thankful for my family and all of their support.  Even if they are hundreds of miles away, they are here for me.

I am thankful for my friends for the offers of help.  Many have offered to store our belongings and take in our animals until our new place is ready.  I am also thankful for those who have offered us a place to sleep for the next two weeks.

Even in this awful time, I am thankful for those who care.

Questioning Karma

Have you ever said "Karma will get them"?

Lately I have been wondering who I wronged so much that I am going through such rough times.

I've been dealing with work and personal issues for the last month or so.  My strength is being tested.

I am so close to saying "fuck it" and just disappear.

This is not how I expected my life to be.  I constantly wonder if I will ever be truly happy.  Will I ever be stress free?  Will my  depression eventually win and I will just end?

The recent events are due to my ex husband and his girlfriend.  I can't talk about the details because I can see this ending up in court.

What I can talk about is just how I am handling it.  

I just don't feel safe;  not in my home, not at work, not anywhere.

Today they showed up after being told to stay the hell away until the court system decides who has the rights regarding the house.

I called 911 and it took the police over 5 minutes to arrive.  What if they broke in and hurt me?  What if they set the house on fire?

People do some crazy shit these days.

I am trying to stay strong but all I want to do is just disappear.

So I am left wondering what the hell did I do that was so awful to deserve all of this.  

I have never felt so alone in my feelings until now.

Single Like Sliced Cheese

Love lasts for but a moment like a ripple on a small, solitary puddle.

I fell in love not just once, but twice.  Both times left me scarred and broken.  The second, I have yet to heal from.  The first has chosen to resurface but I am numb.  I choose not to respond.

I was married twice but didn't love once.  A sad fact.  Perhaps I had hoped but love to come  Hard to say, it was a long time ago.

Love is difficult, love is blind.  Love is a fickle bitch.

I am reminded of my failures by the candy coated bullshit that graces store shelves.  Reminding us that the day of love is just around the corner.  I want to scream and pull the pink and red from the aisles, tossing it to the floor, where my heart once laid.

Perhaps I am bitter.  Love failed me.  Love was hidden in lies and promises.  I no longer trust love.

I am single like sliced cheese.