Dear Phil

I visited you today.  I brushed the leaves from your headstone.  Tears stung my eyes.  I has been so many years, my friend, but it seems like yesterday that I last heard you laugh.

I remember your smile and your kind eyes.  You tried to hide your hurt but I could see it.  I remember our talks.  I remember how you got me to laugh.  We were friends who shared a common battle.

You chose to end your battle with your demons and insecurities. I still struggle with mine.

I often wish that I as a better friend and wonder if I had only stopped living my life enough to hear your call for help.  If I only took that moment to be there for you.

It is one of my biggest regrets.

I stood at your grave to be with you for a moment, praying that you are at peace. 

Some day I will see you on the other side.

Help is available

Suicide Hotline

800-273-8255 

Just Before Sunrise

 

It was just before sunrise as I watched him sleep.  I reached out to softly touch his hair.  Listening to his breathing, I wondered how I ended up there.

Every little choice in our lives brings us to a certain moment in time.  Sometimes we just want that moment to stop so we can just enjoy it longer.

Sometimes we are just put somewhere that we were meant to experience.  

To watch him sleep....

It wasn't about sex.  Sometimes there is a deeper connection.  To be close, so close to almost feel the heart.  

To almost feel what makes him, him.

To watch him sleep....

To find some sense of inner peace.  To find a deeper part of a friendship.  To understand.  

To touch his hair...

Reaching out to connect in a slight way.  To remember this moment as it may never come again....

just to watch him sleep.

Back to the Begining

 

I always knew that I was going to move once my youngest was done with high school.  I was living in a town for 22 years and still felt like an outsider.  Not by anyone's fault.  It was just a town that was small and everyone knew everyone.  I just didn't fit in.

It also didn't help that I was divorced in this small town and my ex lived within walking distance.  He also married a nut job and frankly, I didn't like running in to her. (Yes, he married the nut job from this post.)

I wasn't exactly sure where I was going to go but I did know, I wasn't staying.

I took a trip out to Phoenix, AZ to visit my very dear friend.  I wanted to see if I could possibly call it home.  I booked my flight and in March I went.  This was at the very beginning of the Covid-19 pandemic.  Toilet paper was in short supply and spring training for baseball was cancelled.  I was concerned that I might not be able to get home.  But then again, it would have made the moving decision easy.

I loved Arizona.  It is very beautiful and Scottsdale is so inspiring for a creative mind.  I thought that maybe I could live there.  But then I remembered....it gets hot.  I know, I know, its a dry heat.  I don't care.  When it is 120 degrees, it is still hot.  I'm not a huge fan of hot.

I came back to Wisconsin with fond memories that I will keep close.  I will go back again.

But I still was wondering where to go.

Katie was graduating soon and I wanted to move before it got to be close to winter.  I don't like moving in the winter.

I had thought about moving to Appleton or Green Bay.  I would still be close to my daughter.  My son recently moved to lower Michigan and he wouldn't be too far.  I looked at apartments and jobs but something just wasn't there.  I didn't feel like that was the right choice either.

I was joking with my sister and she said I could come live in her basement.  That would have been a good idea except I don't think her husband could put up with both of us.  Then our talk became more serious.

I decided to move home.

Home being Upper Michigan, Yooperland, Copper Country....

The more I planned, the more excited I got.  My friends and family were there.  I could easily find a job at Walmart until I figured out what I really wanted to do.

I set the plan in motion.

In September, I accepted a job with Walmart.  The Walmart where I first started in an empty building in 1994.  I then scheduled some apartment showings.

I saw one apartment and at my first steps in, my eyes teared up.  I kept apologizing to the landlord.  I felt that this was home.

That evening I joined my life long friends at their camp along the shores of Lake Superior.  I had only planned to stay for dinner as it had been a long day.  As I sat and watched the waves roll and chatted with my friends I truly felt as if I was home.  It was getting late and we were laughing about something so funny that we worried about our bladders, tears rolling down and holding stomachs, I overheard my friend's husband say "there is a lot of healing happening here".

How true that sounded.

After so many years of hurt feelings, failed relationships, heartbreak, trauma, hard work, raising kids as a single parent, I truly felt I was home.

It has been about three months that I've been back.  I've seen my sister more in the last four weeks than I have in the last four years.  I've hung out with friends and enjoyed the pleasure of deck drinking in November.  I've met new friends.  I've received many hugs and welcome homes.

It is so good to be back to the beginning.

Phoenix, Arizona

Recently I was in Phoenix, Arizona.  I went to visit one of my very best friends on the planet.

I didn't know what to expect when I was there.  I did know that I needed to visit with my friend because life has been troublesome lately.  I have lost motivation and spark.  I haven't been creative in a while and I certainly was sick of the winter.

I have joked on occasion that I just want to pick up and move there without checking it out first.  Maybe I should have waited to visit in July or August as I have also claimed to not be a huge fan of hot weather.

Anyway, I had the best visit.  I loved Arcosanti's Windbells.  Loved it!  They are so very beautiful and so very touchable.  (I love to touch things.)  They are so unique and are made in the most architecturally interesting structure.  I could just feel the creativity flow.

The Desert Botanical Garden was another amazing thing to see.  So pretty and so peaceful even though it was raining off and on.  The views were spectacular and the Wild Rising Crackling Art from Milan just added pops of color everywhere.

We ate such good food and had many good drinks.  (Really really good drinks)  Ok, I wasn't a fan of the rattlesnake.

I even got to experience Butterfly Wonderland.  I just love butterflies.  I couldn't have been happier than to spend time with them flying around.  One even landed on me!

We did go to Art Walk in Scottsdale.  I do love to look at art.  It gets my creative juices flowing.  I felt like I could maybe someday be one of those people who can do what they love and share it with anyone and everyone.  I even got to meet Jim Sudal who is such an amazing human being.  I even bought one of his pieces to take home. 

The most epic part of the trip was to the Grand Canyon National Park.  Such a beautiful part of America.  I could appreciate anyone who traveled west in covered wagons and coming upon the Grand Canyon and wondering what in the hell they got themselves into.  I have so many photos it is hard to choose what to share.

I even got to see a very rare white bat at the Rock Springs Cafe.

It's such a wonder to travel to somewhere new and appreciate the beauty and the history.  I was in a huge city but it didn't feel very big at all.  I feel more creative now.  I want to work with new media and try some new projects.  I feel rejuvinated.

The one thing (person) I miss the most in Arizona is not all of the sights, smells and art.  It is my friend.  She has known me for about 35 years.  We are so very different and yet we just get each other.  I love her to death and I appreciate her and her husband for putting up with me.  I hope to return.

Some more photos.....

Me at the Desert Botanical Garden

A view from the street

They have an orange tree in their yard.

I am obsessed with all different kinds of light fixtures.

We went to pay respects to Waylon Jennings in Mesa, AZ.

Glass sculptures at Butterfly Wonderland.

Butterfly Wonderland also had some beautiful plants.

This cactus is hella old.

"It can take 10 years for a saguaro cactus to reach 1 inch in height. By 70 years of age, a saguaro cactus can reach 6 and a half feet tall, and will finally start to produce their first flowers. By 95-100 years in age, a saguaro cactus can reach a height of 15-16 feet, and could start to produce its first arm"

How to tell you're not in Wisconsin anymore.....

The city of Scottsdale lights it's streets.

See ya later alligator.....