What Do You Bring to the Table?

 

I just realized that I haven't written in awhile.  I guess life has been pretty good lately.

Well, until....

So a guy "slides into my DMs" (like all the cool kids say.  For us older people... This guy messages me on Facebook... not Facebook Dating but actual Facebook.  He asks if we can get to know each other.  To which I respond with a "sure".  He asks questions and I respond.  When I don't respond I get accused of not being interested.  I really am not interested.  I am not aware that Facebook is a dating site.

So this goes back and forth and he puts the pressure on to meet.  I don't really want to meet.  I have the "no new people" mentality as of late and he qualifies as a new person.

I am in my 50's.  I make my own money. I pay my own bills.  I don't need a man.  I am at peace with my life at the moment.  If I invite you in, you better bring something to the table that isn't already on the menu.

He's unemployed.  He seems desperate to be with someone.  He's throwing red flags like they are confetti.

But he wore me down and I agree to meet.

So we meet for drinks and I think we have a good conversation.  I am still cautious.  He touches my hair. (Red Flag).  He touches my back. (Red Flag).

I don't like strangers touching me.

I ignore the flags.  I'm not planning a wedding, it is just drinks after all.

So as we are talking, I am looking to see what he is bringing to my table.  We have a few common interests but nothing to ask him to pull up a chair.  As we leave the bar, he asks if he can kiss me and I oblige.

The next day, I message him and tell him that I passed along his hello to my best friend's husband (they went to high school together).  He says he was wondering if I would message him.  I said I was busy with my side job and finally had a moment. (deck drinking)

He then proceeds to ask for a full length photo.

Are you fucking kidding me?

First of all, not only will you not be sitting at my table, I will ask you to leave the restaurant.

I said that I was not going to do that.

He then goes on to say that he didn't think I was the shy type and asked again for a front and back photo.

Seriously....

What the fuck?

"Why would I subject myself to judgment by a man that I already met me?  Either you like me or you don't.  At this age I don't need to show my body.  If you are looking for a super model, maybe you should try to talk to someone else."

That was my response.

Men my age are seriously single for a reason.

When I am comfortable with my single-ness, I really am picky about the menu.  If you don't have anything to offer, go sit at someone else's table.

Pain Caused by Heartbreak Can Leave Scars

The following "poem" was a free write I did back in 2008.  I found it while I was looking for something else.

I met Mike in 2006 and we fell in love and then he disappeared.  With no rhyme or reason or explanation.  He just disappeared.  Sometime in 2009 I heard from him again.  His sweet talk and lovey dovey crap came at me like a freight train.  I was cautious and eventually pushed him away and out of my thoughts.  I really haven't thought much about him since then and I found this.

The emotional turmoil that the man left me in was something I have never experienced before in my life.  I think this may be way I am so guarded against having serious relationships now.

Pain caused by heartbreak can leave scars.

(apologies for the hard language in the photo.....it fit the emotion at the time of the writing)

God, I miss you.

I hate how it feels to miss you.

I had always expected to be friends.

Then love came oh so unexpected.

You said you loved me first and patiently waited until I loved you next.

To you I was beautiful.

I only wanted to be beautiful to you.

You asked me why I was crying.

I didn't want to tell.

You said I would see you again.

You lied...I think.

Months passed and seasons changed.

You left me with questions without obvious answers.  Subtle shades of grey cloud my reasoning.

I blame myself most of the time.

What did I say?

You know, I see you in my dreams.  Haunting me, taunting me...

Standing there.

I try to push you away.

I try to kick you out.

You are always there.

In my heart, on my mind...

I told you with tears that my biggest fear was losing you.

You assured me that it would never happen..

I am afraid that it already has.

Goodbye my lover...