Losing My Religion

I just took the dog out to pee and the night air was so mild.  I looked up into the night and found myself praying to God.

This might seem sort of normal to most (or not) but for me it was profound.

I've been an atheist for years.  I had lost my faith.  After so many hurts and scars, I lost my trust in so many, even God.  I suppose many could judge me and wonder how I could turn my back to God.  When prayers went unanswered and a pastor and congregation failed to be an instrument of support in my most desperate time of need, it was easy to let go of my faith.

I don't talk about the bad things.  They still linger in the background, more as a reminder of how strong I can be.  The best way to heal to to acknowledge the past but look to the future.

I think the most profound aspect of healing was my decision to move back home.  

Back to where I was before I was broken.

Catching myself praying for strength during this time caused tears because I knew that my healing process is working.  I am letting people in.  I tell people that I love them and that they matter to me.  Opening up my heart to accept love in is all part of it.

Tears fell and I was thankful that I am able to forgive God for some of the heavier wrongs in my life.  I think I am seeing them more as scars, not fully healed but still able to see the wound and remember that it didn't kill me.

I am not fully healed, hell, I may never be.  

But I have begun to forgive myself, those who have hurt me and most importantly....

forgive God.

Amen

Dirty Little Liar

Depression

Many people talk about it, many people have it, many people don't understand it.

There are many descriptions of it and how it feels to have it.  There are treatments for it.

I have had it for many many years.  Ever since I hit puberty, I have dealt with it.  Sometimes it ebbs and then there are times it flows.

This time of year is difficult.

I have the moments where I don't want to get out of bed.  I have the teary eyed drive home moments.  (The car is such a bastard because it traps me with my thoughts.)  I have the moments of insecurity and can't even stand my own reflection.  I have the "I'm so broke, I can't do anything fun" moments.  I lose interest in anything that gives me the slightest joy.  I think I have no friends or have friends that just don't give a shit.

Life becomes flat.

There is no other fix for it than just plugging through it.

I try to block out the damn lies that depression whispers in my ear.

It tells me things.

You are not good enough.  Nobody loves you.  That big zit on your face will never go away.  You will never ever have any money.  You are ugly.  You are fat.  Everyone leaves you because it is your fault.  You can't do anything right.  Your animals are going to die because you mistreat them.  Your kids think you are a failure.  You are just so stupid.  

and the list goes on....

All lies

When you are in the pit of depression, the lies become so believable.  One million people can all tell you that they are not true and tell you so many positive things but you tend to believe those whispery lies because you know you best.

Even your little helper pill doesn't help.  (citalopram, zoloft, lexapro, paxil, prozac...for examples)

So how to deal with it.

Good question

I tend to just accept it as it is and hope it passes quicker than the last bout with it.  I never have thoughts of suicide but I can see where someone may be pushed to that level.  I tend to think about running away, just disappearing into the unknown.  I start looking at other countries or places to go.  I look at job postings and plan an escape.  It takes long enough to check everything out that I kind of forget about the depression.

Funny, eh?

I know that there are so many other people who deal with depression and that is just sad in itself.  Sometimes I wonder why so many of us have to deal with it.  

This world would be such a better place if we just didn't have depression.