Losing My Religion

I just took the dog out to pee and the night air was so mild.  I looked up into the night and found myself praying to God.

This might seem sort of normal to most (or not) but for me it was profound.

I've been an atheist for years.  I had lost my faith.  After so many hurts and scars, I lost my trust in so many, even God.  I suppose many could judge me and wonder how I could turn my back to God.  When prayers went unanswered and a pastor and congregation failed to be an instrument of support in my most desperate time of need, it was easy to let go of my faith.

I don't talk about the bad things.  They still linger in the background, more as a reminder of how strong I can be.  The best way to heal to to acknowledge the past but look to the future.

I think the most profound aspect of healing was my decision to move back home.  

Back to where I was before I was broken.

Catching myself praying for strength during this time caused tears because I knew that my healing process is working.  I am letting people in.  I tell people that I love them and that they matter to me.  Opening up my heart to accept love in is all part of it.

Tears fell and I was thankful that I am able to forgive God for some of the heavier wrongs in my life.  I think I am seeing them more as scars, not fully healed but still able to see the wound and remember that it didn't kill me.

I am not fully healed, hell, I may never be.  

But I have begun to forgive myself, those who have hurt me and most importantly....

forgive God.

Amen

I've Never Met An Evil Atheist

My title in no way is intended to offend anyone.

I never judge anyone on their religion.  I never talk about my beliefs, however, I am a non believer.

With that being said....

Let's get on with what I really want to write about.

The last four weeks have been trying to say the least.  I cannot discuss what is really going on for the interwebs have eyes and I have someone who isn't very nice and is more than likely to use whatever against me.

However, I will discuss something that irks me.

There are Christians whom I have encounters who claim to be Christian but they seem to be the most awful, evil people out there.  They are openly judgmental and rude. They don't care who they hurt or how they present themselves.

But these people are Christians.  They hang pictures of Jesus in the home.  They tote bibles around with them.  They go to church every Sunday.

Blah blah blah....

I call bullshit on their fake ass facade.

Perhaps they do all these things in order to seek atonement for their sins.  They seek out forgiveness for the harm and hurt they cause others.

I refuse to go to church because I cannot sit among hypocrites.

I am sure there will be someone reading this who will say that all the bad things that have happened to me or will happen to me is because I am an atheist.

Nope.

The bad things that have happened to me usually stem from some Christian who cannot seem to follow God's word.

I refuse to believe in some higher power just to justify someone's idea of how to be a good person.

I am good and kind.  I empathize with others.  I know right from wrong.

I don't need religion to be that person.

This entry stems from my severe anger involving a current issue.  I am in no way claiming that all Christians are hypocrites and I am in no way claiming that Atheists are stellar citizens either.

I just wish we all just stop hurting each other.

Mind Dump

I dreamt of my mother last night.  It was a weird dream that included racks of clothing.  A sales person in knee high boots and a carnival act in the parking lot of a store that included large inflatable clowns and a child.  My mom and I were shopping (I guess) and on the way out we saw the clown act with the child and I elbowed her and nodded to the act and she shrugged.  No words were exchanged.  Then the alarm went off and that was that.

Weird huh?

The dream probably means something deep down.  What is strange that I remember the dream so vividly from about 12 hours ago.

I dream of my mom here and there.  I also dream of my grandparents too.  Not always all together and not always every night.

Things have been changing around here.  My daughter's dad and I decided to enroll her in a private Lutheran school here in town.  We are hoping that this helps with social issues and also we hope that it gives her a challenge with her school work.

I was against the transfer at first.  I am not overly religious and I worried about how much it would cost.  

We took a tour of the school and once inside the church sanctuary, I had this overwhelming feeling of being home.  

I used to go to church frequently with my friends.  I liked to sing the hymns.  I liked to listen to the messages given.

Some where along the way, I lost my faith.  I began to question my beliefs.  I just gave up on believing on anything.  I stopped praying.  
After taking the tour, I have been thinking about revisiting the church and maybe getting my faith back.

So there you have my mind dump....just a couple of random things rambling around my brain.

P.S.  I just reread what I wrote and my spell checker doesn't like the word "dreamt".  What the hell?

It IS all about me.

Today I came home from a long day at work.  I trudged up the stairs with my groceries, looking forward to being home in the quiet.  I even bought new candles to put that relaxing scent in the air that is recommended by the latest articles on rest and relaxation.  I trotted back down to my mailbox in the hallway since my hands were full earlier.  I made the guinea pigs their "nummies", gave Nemo the cat his head scratches and treats, then I sat down to read my emails and munch on my dinner.  

I know, I am just a bundle of excitement, don't be jealous of that.

I glanced over and remembered that I had mail.  I like getting mail for some dumb reason.  I don't even care if it is bills.  I am kind of strange like that.

I opened my letters.  I was so happy to see my new health insurance cards.  The best thing about working so hard and getting promoted to full time is the benefits for my family.

I left the bigger envelope unopened.  It didn't have a return address but it had a local postmark.  I was curious but I waited anyway.  I don't recall why.

The envelope laid on the floor next to the couch until my episode of Roseanne was over.  Did you know Netflix has Roseanne?  I love that show.

I picked it up and opened it.  There was a single piece of paper folded in three and I wondered why someone would put that in a big envelope and pay the extra postage.  Duh...

Once I unfolded the letter and saw that it was a print out of a joke that I posted on Facebook (I know, social media drama) on the 27th of December. 

"A woman just dropped a 20 dollar bill next to me.  I thought 'What would Jesus do?' so I turned it into wine... Well, I bought wine."

It was just some joke I read somewhere and it made me chuckle.  So I just shared it.

Now, I never worry about offending anyone because, Facebook is what it is. No one would post anything if that were the case.  People post the dumbest shit, me included.

Anyway, back to my story.

On the paper was a handwritten note that basically said the reason that horrible things happen to me is because I wasn't a good person and kept the $20.  Oh and, when was I going to get it, it isn't all about me.

This was NOT signed.

Ack!  Another anonymous note....

If you missed it...here's a link to the first note.

Anonymity is a Voice of Cowards

Of course this upset me.

This is such a shitty thing to do.  I mean, write a letter based on a joke that I posted assuming that I actually kept a $20 bill and bought wine.

First of all, I would not have done any such thing.

Second of all, if I had...I would have bought something a little stronger than wine.

(I kid, please don't send me a nasty note)

In all fairness, if this anonymous person knew me at all, they would understand that I do just about anything for anyone.  I have helped friends in pain.  I have loaned money to a friend when he needed help.  I have made gifts for friends fighting cancer.  I have donated my time and money for good causes.  I have rescued turtles from a busy highway.  I have send kind messages and cards to people who needed uplifting.

Now, I do things not to shine bright in the eyes of God.  I do things like this because it is the human thing to do, the kind thing to do.

The thing that really upsets me is that this person takes the time to send this anonymous, hateful thing to me and thinks that it is going to change me.  If anything, it makes me want to keep on being me.

I hate to break it to you, but it is about me.  It is my Facebook page, my blog, my little corner of the interwebs and if you don't like what I have to say, post, comment, whatever....you can kindly block me or stop reading the shit I post.  It is that simple.

I like who I am.  

Sending me a letter by mail without signing it gives it absolutely no validation in my eyes.  It is basically void.

You know, shitty things happen.  It is how life is.  I know this.

It isn't because Jesus hated my joke.  It isn't because God is causing me to suffer.

It is because it is how life is.

Do you think children suffer from cancer because they posted a joke about Jesus and $20? 

Honestly, I am not sure that Jesus would know what a $20 bill looks like.  His time was so long ago and he is from a completely different country.  

This person also assumes that I am even a believer in God, Jesus and Heaven.

Never assume anything about anyone.....

Seriously

Now, I am not admitting whether I am a believer or not.  If you truly know me and know what I am all about, you would already know the answer to this.

Also, if this person who wrote the letter to me was a true Christian, would this be a very christian thing to do?

Take a moment to think about that for a second.

This person who wrote the letter seems to be very interested in what I post, say or do.  They don't "unfriend" me or tell me that I suck and admit who they are. 

They hide behind the curtain of anonymity thinking that this will show me a thing or two.  I am assuming (I know, I shouldn't assume but I am anyway) that this is the same person that sent me the other anonymous letter back in April. 

This person is still a coward.  This person is probably the most unchristian, unhuman, unkind person I know (or not know).

If this person's goal was to hurt me, they failed.

You see, if anyone is making it all about me, it is this anonymous person.

By the way.....The police now have the letter.