I Hate My Reflection

 

I saw my reflection the other day and didn't recognize myself.  A tired, sad face stared back.  

My happiness was not that long ago.

But that was just a fleeting moment it seems...

My weight has ballooned and my smile has dimmed.

I carry so much depression these days.

Sometimes I am just not strong enough to battle the demons in my head.  

I eat my depression.  The more I am depressed, the more I try to shut it up with food or drink until I am numb inside.

I recognize my triggers but sometimes I can't avoid them. (damn it)

When someone I live with makes negative comments about my weight, intelligence, capabilities, life choices, spending habits, and anything else he feels like commenting on, I start to see myself as not worthy of anything.

I feel so small and unlovable... insignificant.

Lately, I have been keeping to myself.  I don't want to be around anyone.  Secretly thinking that they will see me as I feel.  They might judge me.  Whoever "they" are in my mind, "they" are affecting me in a negative way.

Trying to explain how I feel is so hard.  I bottle it inside, put on a brave face, pretend to the world that I am fine.

Taking control of my thoughts and recognizing my triggers is such an exhausting task.  Its takes all of my energy to not crumble into pieces.

I tell myself.....

I cannot control other people's opinion of me but I can control how I react to it.

I cannot make anyone love me how I think I should be loved but I can control the boundaries I allow them to cross.  

I cannot live how anyone thinks I should live but I can control my life.  

When others try to bring you down, they are unhappy with themselves.

I will allow myself to be happy with who I am.

oh and.... I joined weight watchers.

My "Why"

I was told that I needed to lose ten pounds in order to even start the ball rolling to have my knee replaced.

I panicked.

I have been the same weight since 1996.  (or that's what I tell myself)

I'm a liar.

I have weighed less, considerably less.

Mayo clinic is who I've been dealing with and they have a valid point.  Even though I think that people heavier than me have had knee replacement.

I had to come up with a plan.  I know that I suck at doing it on my own.  I have been set in my eating ways for a long time.  I drink regular Coke like it's going out of style.  I eat Hostess crap.  I love my chips and burgers.

Well, most of the previous paragraph should be in past tense.

I joined weight watchers about two weeks ago.  I have to say that it is working so far.  I am down 12 pounds.

I am surprised at myself and how well I have adjusted my eating habits.  I feel better.  I reach for fruit instead of cookies.  I drink flavored water.  (Shout out to Crush for the flavor packets)  I eat chicken and shrimp.  

I have met my first weight loss goal and had my weight certified by my doctor to send to Mayo Clinic.  Honestly, I cried when I got on the scale.  I didn't think I could do it.

Now I am seeing how far I can go with this.  I secretly struggle with my self image.  Maybe it is just time.

Weight Watchers suggests that we have a "why" for wanting to be healthier.  

My "why" was my knee surgery but now my "why" is for me.