I Hate My Reflection

 

I saw my reflection the other day and didn't recognize myself.  A tired, sad face stared back.  

My happiness was not that long ago.

But that was just a fleeting moment it seems...

My weight has ballooned and my smile has dimmed.

I carry so much depression these days.

Sometimes I am just not strong enough to battle the demons in my head.  

I eat my depression.  The more I am depressed, the more I try to shut it up with food or drink until I am numb inside.

I recognize my triggers but sometimes I can't avoid them. (damn it)

When someone I live with makes negative comments about my weight, intelligence, capabilities, life choices, spending habits, and anything else he feels like commenting on, I start to see myself as not worthy of anything.

I feel so small and unlovable... insignificant.

Lately, I have been keeping to myself.  I don't want to be around anyone.  Secretly thinking that they will see me as I feel.  They might judge me.  Whoever "they" are in my mind, "they" are affecting me in a negative way.

Trying to explain how I feel is so hard.  I bottle it inside, put on a brave face, pretend to the world that I am fine.

Taking control of my thoughts and recognizing my triggers is such an exhausting task.  Its takes all of my energy to not crumble into pieces.

I tell myself.....

I cannot control other people's opinion of me but I can control how I react to it.

I cannot make anyone love me how I think I should be loved but I can control the boundaries I allow them to cross.  

I cannot live how anyone thinks I should live but I can control my life.  

When others try to bring you down, they are unhappy with themselves.

I will allow myself to be happy with who I am.

oh and.... I joined weight watchers.

How I Deal With It

I have written about my battle with depression many times.  I've written about the time I wanted to end my life.  

I write about it because I know there are others who feel the same and they feel alone.  I write to let them know they aren't alone.

I have been asked recently about how I deal with it.  I am asked if I am cured.  I am asked if I still have feelings of ending my life.

First, I don't believe that there will ever really be a cure for depression.  I've dealt with mine since I was about 14 or so.  There were factors that came into play that I don't really talk about.  It isn't because I'm embarrassed or I don't want to talk about them.  It's just that some of the factors have names and I don't feel angry or hatred towards them so I don't want anyone else judging them.  

Second, I deal with depression by recognizing my triggers and avoiding them.  Triggers could be memories of past trauma or even when I let my own head starts overthinking.  Sometimes I even see the "factors" of my past and I have to pretend that things didn't happen.

I also practice self care.  Practicing self care is a huge key in managing depression.  I have learned to immurse myself in creativity.  I use it as an outlet.  I create beautiful things and that makes me feel good.  I read.  I write.  I walk.  I take time outs for me.  I go to the lake and dip my toes.  

I've accepted myself for who I am and if others don't like me, that is their problem, not mine.  There are times when my own mind lies when I look in the mirror.  I hear that I am ugly, fat, stupid, unlovable and so on.  Those lies are just echoes from my former self.  

And.... they are just lies.

I also have learned to accept love into my heart.  I don't mean a romantic love but a pure love from family and friends.  I surround myself with good people and I love them back. 

I've learned to ask for help.  There are numbers that I can call and talk to someone immediately.   I reach out to friends and family. 

Do I still have feelings of ending it all?

I haven't in a very long time.  I've made many changes to my life to ensure that it doesn't happen.  Sometimes I wonder if I will have a moment of irrational thought and that would be all it takes.

It was hard work learning to step back from that ledge.  It continues to be hard work.

But good things come from hard work.

Suicide Hotline

800-273-8255

Rainy Days and Mondays

Some days are just hard.

If you read my posts a lot, you already know that and you also know that I write to help deal with my depression as it creeps in and out like an evil character.

I can't control it sometimes and I just have to feel it.  It hurts in a way that I cannot describe it.  There is no pill.  There is no relief.  I just my tools to limp through it.

It had been building up for a time.  I knew it was coming.  I've taken several blows to my psyche.  Failure and physical pain teamed with weather and financial stress was a recipe for an emotional shit storm.

Yesterday, it just came to a head.

One bad day can just tip it into the basket.

Today I woke up in a mood.  Crying and sad, I forced myself to get dressed and head to work.  I had hoped that it would pass as the day went along but no such luck.

When I was walking out to my car, the thoughts came.  The scary thoughts that may cause alarm to anyone if I had spoken them out loud.

"What if I just disappeared?"

"What if I just ended it?"

"No one cares."

"The pain just needs to end."

"I'm always so alone."

You get the idea.

Now, I would never ever hurt myself or end my life but those thoughts do pop in the head.  I'm sure if I didn't understand that depression lies, that I probably would do something to harm myself.

I just have to let the thoughts come so that they can go.

There are times where the fight is difficult.

There are times when I feel that I give more of myself to others than I receive.  It takes a toll on me and it becomes hard to take care of myself first and that I need to give myself to me first.

I always find it interesting that people will mention that I look tired.  I am tired.  Fighting my own demons is exhausting.  I can never say that to them.  I just agree that I am tired and continue on.

At least I acknowledge my struggles and understand them.  I know that it isn't easy for others.

Tomorrow is another day and it is one day closer to getting past this round.

https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

It's Ugly Head

Again....

It rears its ugly head.

It seeps into my deepest crevasses and digs deep.

Sometimes it feels so physical, like it grips so tight.

I felt it coming.  It was just a matter of time for it to start to really hurt.

Sometimes I cannot mentally prepare for it.  I just have to let it come.

So I hurt.

I fail to understand some things.  The why for what causes it. 

Like "Why doesn't he talk to me anymore?" and "I feel like I am just not good enough." and also "I am not strong enough to cope."

My daily physical pain wears on me too.  There is just never any complete relief.

The weather plays a part.  I am tired of fighting the cold.  Sick of the constant white backdrop.

Work is becoming mundane and repetitive.  Waking at the ungodly hour of 3 am is wearing thin.

Instead of reaching for a razor this time, I find myself wanting to just disappear.  I want to run and be unknown.  I want to reinvent myself and not be the current me.

It's such  a sad, lonely feeling.

There is no joy, no laughter, no happiness.....

only me and my depression....

Changes

Days have been extremely hard lately.  I cry in private and I tell myself that it will get better.

I feel like I lie to myself.

The past few weeks have been difficult.

Too many changes all at once.  The changes haven't been good to me or for me.

My job that I loved has turned into a job that I hate.  Everything I loved about it was taken away.

I now get up at 3 am to be at work by 4.  I bust my ass all day and never leave on time.  I have bruises.  I am exhausted.

My daughter's depression is challenging.  It is hard to help someone who is depressed when you are struggling.

I find myself huddled in a ball most of my time.  Trying to protect myself from my demons.

Aftermath

It has been a few days since I had my horrible episode of depression.  I wrote about it here: The Face of Depression

Since writing that entry, I have received several messages from people I didn't expect.  It was nice to hear that I am not alone and that I am truly cared for.  

I didn't write it for attention or for any sincere comments.  I wrote it for others to understand that they do not suffer alone.  I wrote it for those who thought what they were feeling was unusual or weird.  I also wrote it for those who do not understand what it is like to suffer with depression.

I received a call from someone close to me.  They thought that I shouldn't have written it and/or shared it with anyone.  

This was upsetting.

It took some courage to express what I was feeling.  It also helped me out of the black hole.

If what I write saves one person from jumping off the cliff, then I think that it was the right thing to do.

I am feeling a little better as of this writing.  It takes time to heal.

I did call my doctor.  These feelings of self harm have been strong.  We have come to the conclusion that because of being taken off my birth control, it has caused some serious hormonal imbalances.  

The last episode of insanity happened about this same time last month.

No joke.

I damn near lost someone who means the world to me just because my brain decided to malfunction and my voice of reason took a vacation.

I didn't write about it.  I didn't talk about it.  But it happened.  

I am thankful for their understanding and forgiveness.  A true friend is a very valuable treasure.

My doctor and I have decided to monitor my imbalance with no change in medication.  If we don't allow the hormones to find a way to chill on their own, we may need to address it again.

For now, I have a support system in place.  My system includes carrying the suicide hotline number with me at all times.

For now, I have survived another battle but still continue to fight the war.

Suicide Prevention Hotline

800-273-8255

Sometimes You Need to Sit in Silence

Sometimes you need to sit in silence to hear your own voice.

That above has been rolling in my head all day.  I felt that I had to have a quiet day today.  I called in to work and just spent a quiet day.  I just had to.

I have never kept my depression a secret.  I have written about it.  I have talked about it.

This morning I felt like I was just teetering on the edge of an episode. By episode, I mean when I fall into a depressive spiral.  I have had too much chaos the last few weeks and I just needed to have a day to reel back.

I hope that makes sense.

I feel guilty about calling in but at the same time, I feel proud of recognizing the triggers and dealing with it before it gets out of hand.  I hate the depressive feelings and I try to avoid it at all costs.

Sometimes it isn't that easy and I fall of the ledge anyway.

But....

Today I avoided it.

People always wonder how I can be depressed when I have the ability to crack jokes or poke fun at things.  To be honest, most comics or funny people suffer from depression.  We tend to hide it well.

We wear masks and cover it with humor.

Then there are people with say "just be happy" or "get over it".  These people tend to piss me off as they have no freaking idea what it is like to suffer from depression.  

Anyway, I am getting off track.

Today I avoided it and tomorrow is another day.

Ever Wonder What it Feels Like?

I've reread some of my old blog entries.  I pulled several off of my blog and tucked them away in a safe place.  I was told once that they made certain people uncomfortable.

Well, hell, ,depression IS uncomfortable.  It is an icky, awful, mood altering, horrible, alone kind of feeling.  You feel it envelope you like a greasy skin weighing you down so much so you feel like you will never ever stand up again.  You lie when you are asked if you are ok.  You fake a smile or a laugh when inside you are crumbling.  You feel unlovable, broken in some way.  You think that everyone who sees you, sees your ugly side.

Doctors can give you pills, therapists can give you advice, but it still lurks and awaits your weak moment and then.....

BLAM!

it hits you.

So yeah, it is uncomfortable.

duh...

I was told once (during my ickiest feelings) that someone came across my blog and was made to feel uncomfortable by some of my writing.  I was upset and pulled them all.  I probably shouldn't have.  I don't mind sharing my feelings and thoughts.  I am sure that there are hundreds if not thousands out here just like me.

So I was thinking about that moment where I was told about making someone uncomfortable.  Then I went to my blog stash and reread my feelings and thoughts that I wrote at the moment of feeling them.  I also remember how it felt to write it down and do a mind dump.  It can be therapeutic.  It can also let someone else know that they aren't alone in this feeling.

So if you just read all of this and feel uncomfortable.....

just imagine how I feel.