Like a Babbling Brook

I've been staring at this blank page for awhile.

I want to write. (I need to write.)  Words just escape me.

I guess I will just type and hope that it makes sense.

Things aren't right with me.  They haven't been for some time.  I know something is up but can't put my finger quite on it.

I tend to blame my depression.  (That dirty bastard)  But it isn't just the depression.

Stress had been a big cause.

I have a lot of it and it has been hard to deal with.

Being single and not having anyone to take some of the burden away doesn't help.

Being single and being a mom doesn't help.

Being a good worker and trying to be perfect doesn't help.

All of the burdens fall on my shoulders.  My back is getting that huge fist like knot in the upper middle and my head aches all of the time.  The brain doesn't shut up.  Sleeping pills aren't working.  My health is deteriorating.  My eye even exploded the other day.  (Sounds more dramatic than it really was but the blood vessels in my eye popped)

My doctor doesn't like the fact that my blood pressure is super high and has been for quite some time.  And she tells me to make dietary changes, lose some more weight (duh) and relax.

RELAX!!!!!

(hahahahahaha....excuse me while I wipe a tear)

How in the hell am I supposed to relax?

She suggested yoga.....in my spare time.......

yup, that's going to work well

I wish I could afford a vacation.

I go in on Tuesday to find out just how serious the stress has damaged my body.  I worry about that now.

I get several tips like:

Take a bath (I loathe baths....LOATHE them)
Take a walk (I limp like a gimpy bastard and it hurts)
Take a nap (Hello, sleeping pills don't help me sleep)
Pet the cat (He's a grumpy mother f**ker)
Paint or color (pft...I painted to whole damn kitchen.....twice)
Go for a ride (um, gas ain't 99 cents anymore)

Yeah yeah....I'm full of excuses.  

But seriously, all of the above and even some tips I haven't even mentioned are only temporary distractions from the more serious stresses.  

These stresses seem so colossal that they will never fully subside.

I can only keep hoping that something gives and I find some relief from everything that is worrisome. I also hope to find a way to get some zen.

(sorry about the long babble...sometimes just writing helps)

Egg-Zaw-Sted

Yep, I'm tired so I can't be held accountable for any spelling mistakes or if I start rambling.

It's my blog and I can make the rules.

If your tired and you know it ramble on.

I have had a very long week.  One of the longest in Julie history I might say.  (I did say)

My mom was hospitalized last Wednesday with congestive heart failure, pneumonia and probably some other stuff that wasn't/isn't good but we are still waiting on some tests.  I say "we" because even though she is waiting, we all are kind of waiting for the results and by we, I mean the rest of us.  By us...oh I don't know....sister, brother, mother, step dad, anyone else.

I think if she had waited just one more day, I would have had a very different kind of week.

I know I have mother issues but that doesn't stop me from loving her.  She is still my mom and without her, I wouldn't be here rambling on at this hour of the morning.

I also have been dealing with bronchitis.  My stupid lungs can't handle this kind of thing since they have been damaged from pneumonia years ago.  I get the slightest yucky type thing in my chest and all hell breaks loose, I swear.  My voice is gone and lord only knows when it will make its appearance again.

Creating stuff has helped with my mental stuff.  Funny how doing stuff can help me cope with other stuff.  Lots of stuff...

My daughter wants to do a craft fair with all of the stuff we've created.  I want to do it but then I don't want to do it.  Seems like a lot of work do get the stuff to the locations, display the stuff, hopefully sell the stuff and then when it is over, pack all the stuff up and go home.  Oy!

You can see my stuff like this:

Over here:

http://www.etsy.com/shop/Inspiralicious?ref=si_shop

My Inspiralicious shop and that photo above is a purse charm.  You clip it to your purse to jazz it up.  (or you can clip it to anything else that needs jazzing)

I suppose I should get some sleep.  It is the only way to fight the yucky stuff in my chest.