I Don't Want to Live This Life Anymore

 

It's been awhile since I have written anything.  I usually blog when I am really suffering from depression.  To be honest, I've been suffering for a while now but just haven't had the energy to type it all out.

Christmas was hard.  I just didn't want to do it.  I didn't want to celebrate.  I didn't want to decorate.  I just didn't want to.  It was made worse by it also being my 56th anniversary of being here.

I can't say that I have had suicidal thoughts but I did have a scary moment when I whispered to myself, "I don't want to live this life anymore". 

Since I have had moments in the past where I did put a blade to my wrist or swallowed a bunch of pills, I was a bit scared of myself.

Intrusive thoughts can be horrible when you don't have a safety net.  No therapist to call, no action plan in place, no will to call a hotline.

I did take a moment to gather myself and think of the triggers.

No joy these days.

I have taken a creative break from my artwork.  This probably wasn't the best idea but if you have to force creativity, then it truly is not beneficial.  I also didn't want to do the art/craft shows this year.  To force myself to be something I wasn't feeling this year to people I do not know is hard, very hard.

I also live with my elderly father who can be challenging at times.  He is a very critical man.  Always has something negative to say.  I always feel unlovable because I don't meet his expectations of me.  I feel that I am not the daughter he wants.  I feel less than anything.  It is hard, very hard to not lose my shit altogether. 

My job has changed into something I am not happy doing.  We have new owners and again, I feel unneeded.  I have been shut out from what I liked doing and am now doing things I hate.  I don't want to go to work in the morning.  I am trying to ride out the storm but honestly, I hate it.

I hate interviewing more so there's that conundrum.

Money was super tight for awhile.  The one positive thing about the new ownership is that I no longer have to pay for my health insurance and that means more money in my pocket.

The opposite of this positive is that my car needs work which means money, which means, ugh.

I think when I say that I don't want to live this life anymore, I mean I don't want to live like this anymore.  There has to be a happier place for me.  There has to be something better out there. 

Or

There has to be a way to change my outlook on things.  I think I need to find things to do that I enjoy again.  I need to create more things.  I need to expand myself.  Travel maybe.... I have a bucket list.

I do have things to look forward to so I don't plan on leaving this life just yet.  I do plan on making some changes.  What those changes are will just need to be decided on.

Ever Wish That You Did That One Thing?

I met with the photographer that took my son's senior pictures today.  It is always a good hour of conversation.  He shows me photos that he has taken of other kids, weddings, families...you know, that stuff that photographers take photos of.  

I remarked on the lighting and the color combinations and how this compliments that.  I also pointed out that so and so was slouching and that one girl should have popped her boobs out more.

He said I have a good eye.

I knew that.

Once upon a time I wanted to work in the creative arts.  I wanted to design.  Interior design, graphic design, photos...whatever.  I just wanted to do it.

In fact, I was accepted into a school to do just that.  I wanted to do it so badly.

BADLY!

My parents told me that they weren't paying for that school though.

damn...

I regret not doing that so much.

I know design things on the side and sell them in an Etsy shop.  I say things because it is phone charms, hair stuff, jewelry, bookmarks...whatever tickles my creative nerve.

When ever I pull out my beads and tools I am the most happy.  

I should have just found a way to do what I love to do instead of pleasing others.  

Regrets are a bitch.

Oh and you can find my stuff here:

My really cool shop called Inspiralicious

Used To

I used to write a lot.

I mean, seriously, a lot.

I've gotten away from it.  I always had something to say or wanted to pass a fleeting thought.  I called it my mind dump.  It was like dumping something that was just sitting in my head before I went to bed.  It helped me rest better.

I am strange like that.

I got away from writing and started creating stuff.

My latest stuff is cell phone dust plugs.

These are little plugs that fit into the little hole on top of your cell phone. They help to keep the dust and dirt out and they add a little pizzazz to your phone.

I have the popular animal plugs:

and sports plugs:

more can be found here:

Inspiralicious (my store)

I should really write more though.  I have a lot going on in my head and I just need to let it out.  I wish I could just sit and write a book but my attention span is as wide as a dime (if that).  I have all these great ideas for a book or even a series of blog posts.  *sigh*

But for now....

I will just keep on creating.

Egg-Zaw-Sted

Yep, I'm tired so I can't be held accountable for any spelling mistakes or if I start rambling.

It's my blog and I can make the rules.

If your tired and you know it ramble on.

I have had a very long week.  One of the longest in Julie history I might say.  (I did say)

My mom was hospitalized last Wednesday with congestive heart failure, pneumonia and probably some other stuff that wasn't/isn't good but we are still waiting on some tests.  I say "we" because even though she is waiting, we all are kind of waiting for the results and by we, I mean the rest of us.  By us...oh I don't know....sister, brother, mother, step dad, anyone else.

I think if she had waited just one more day, I would have had a very different kind of week.

I know I have mother issues but that doesn't stop me from loving her.  She is still my mom and without her, I wouldn't be here rambling on at this hour of the morning.

I also have been dealing with bronchitis.  My stupid lungs can't handle this kind of thing since they have been damaged from pneumonia years ago.  I get the slightest yucky type thing in my chest and all hell breaks loose, I swear.  My voice is gone and lord only knows when it will make its appearance again.

Creating stuff has helped with my mental stuff.  Funny how doing stuff can help me cope with other stuff.  Lots of stuff...

My daughter wants to do a craft fair with all of the stuff we've created.  I want to do it but then I don't want to do it.  Seems like a lot of work do get the stuff to the locations, display the stuff, hopefully sell the stuff and then when it is over, pack all the stuff up and go home.  Oy!

You can see my stuff like this:

Over here:

http://www.etsy.com/shop/Inspiralicious?ref=si_shop

My Inspiralicious shop and that photo above is a purse charm.  You clip it to your purse to jazz it up.  (or you can clip it to anything else that needs jazzing)

I suppose I should get some sleep.  It is the only way to fight the yucky stuff in my chest.

Birth of Inspiralicious

I started creating.

again....

I was withdrawn and quiet for awhile.  I removed my older writings and wasn't going to write anymore.  I basically took my toys and went home.

but...

I have always written.  I never considered myself a great writer.  I can't spell.  I can't use good english (despite the very fact that my mom taught english).  I always thought that no one gives a rodent's behind about what I wrote.

I just wrote for me.  Basically writing for me is like a mind dump.  Things and thoughts roll around in my blonde head with no where to go except out, onto (into) my computer.  I share because I can.  It is like talking to myself in a crowded public place with no one really paying attention to me but then I feel like I am talking to someone.

I digress....

Anyway, I started creating stuff.  I needed an outlet for all my pent up feelings and yucky stuff.  What happened is that I started creating beautiful and fun things.  I enjoy coming home from a day of work and sitting on my living room floor and make a huge mess of bead boxes, wire, tools and what have you and just create jewelry.

I hardly wear jewelry.  Hell, I am wearing the earrings that my ex-husband gave me back in 1999.  These suckers stay put and don't hurt.  I tried bracelets but they get in the way and necklace feel like they are chocking me.  I know, weird eh?

I also make affirmation mirrors.  They have writing on them that says stuff like "You are beautiful and you are wonderful" so that when you look into them, you are reminded that you are worth celebrating.  These mirrors stem from my downturn into the pits of self pitty and feelings of worthlessness and all that crappy stuff.  I created them not only for me but for others who are feeling yucky about themselves.

Sometimes life bites your behind but them you need to find a way to put a band aid on it and carry on.

So, my fun, pretty, wonderful, creative stuff can be found here:

Inspiralicious (click here)