Insomnia is a Sanctimonious Bitch

 

Night two of not being able to sleep.  It doesn't surprise me.  I was due.

My head is full of chaos.  Restless thoughts bounce off the walls of my skull.  They feel almost like pop rocks on the tongue.

I watched videos.  I read a book.  I listened to music.  

I took melatonin.

Nothing seems to work.

I am tired but can't sleep.

I know, I know...I should not be on the computer.  I should try to relax.  I should find some zen.  I should spray lavender smelly shit.  I should do a lot of things.

Many people suffer from insomnia from time to time.  I'm not the only one.

At least it isn't depression.  Depression has been such an enemy.

I haven't been this happy in a very long time.

The beginning of the week started off a bit rough.  Car trouble, kid trouble, just things that cannot be controlled.  It happens.

I do miss being creative.  I need to have that outlet to release how I feel.  Creativity helps me put the chaos to canvas.

For now, I will type these words and hope that the thoughts become quiet for a bit.

Like a Babbling Brook

I've been staring at this blank page for awhile.

I want to write. (I need to write.)  Words just escape me.

I guess I will just type and hope that it makes sense.

Things aren't right with me.  They haven't been for some time.  I know something is up but can't put my finger quite on it.

I tend to blame my depression.  (That dirty bastard)  But it isn't just the depression.

Stress had been a big cause.

I have a lot of it and it has been hard to deal with.

Being single and not having anyone to take some of the burden away doesn't help.

Being single and being a mom doesn't help.

Being a good worker and trying to be perfect doesn't help.

All of the burdens fall on my shoulders.  My back is getting that huge fist like knot in the upper middle and my head aches all of the time.  The brain doesn't shut up.  Sleeping pills aren't working.  My health is deteriorating.  My eye even exploded the other day.  (Sounds more dramatic than it really was but the blood vessels in my eye popped)

My doctor doesn't like the fact that my blood pressure is super high and has been for quite some time.  And she tells me to make dietary changes, lose some more weight (duh) and relax.

RELAX!!!!!

(hahahahahaha....excuse me while I wipe a tear)

How in the hell am I supposed to relax?

She suggested yoga.....in my spare time.......

yup, that's going to work well

I wish I could afford a vacation.

I go in on Tuesday to find out just how serious the stress has damaged my body.  I worry about that now.

I get several tips like:

Take a bath (I loathe baths....LOATHE them)
Take a walk (I limp like a gimpy bastard and it hurts)
Take a nap (Hello, sleeping pills don't help me sleep)
Pet the cat (He's a grumpy mother f**ker)
Paint or color (pft...I painted to whole damn kitchen.....twice)
Go for a ride (um, gas ain't 99 cents anymore)

Yeah yeah....I'm full of excuses.  

But seriously, all of the above and even some tips I haven't even mentioned are only temporary distractions from the more serious stresses.  

These stresses seem so colossal that they will never fully subside.

I can only keep hoping that something gives and I find some relief from everything that is worrisome. I also hope to find a way to get some zen.

(sorry about the long babble...sometimes just writing helps)