I hesitate to write this. I've been silent for so long while a shitstorm is brewing around me.
This is a continuation of my blog entry, A Total Miscarriage of Justice.
December 1, 2017 is a day I will remember as one of the worse days of my life.
Everyday from the day the judge ordered in favor of the eviction up until December 1st and after has been hell.
After the court hearing, I started packing. I had to get everything packed and out of the house as fast as I could. I couldn't risk getting kicked out without having all of my belongings safe.
Once everything was out and stored in a safe place, I still couldn't rest. It was just a wait until my new place was ready to move into on December 1st. I was in a constant state of anxiety just waiting for that knock at the door from the sheriff.
We stayed in an empty house on air mattresses, just hoping we had time and we weren't going to be homeless for a couple of days. I also became so incredibly angry with the ex for allowing this all to happen.
On December 1st, I had the help of my friend, kids and dad to gt everything moved into our new place. I was and still am in constant fear that the crazy bitch will find me and my daughter.
We had almost everything moved in and I get a phone call from the local police asking me what I was going to do with my dog that was still at the house. I felt me skin go white. I asked him why was he at the house and that we weren't done moving yet. He said he was at the house with the bitch and that they wanted to know what to do with the dog. I said I was going to be right over and hung up.
When we get there, she is yelling and screaming and dragging my dog out of the house in her kennel. I'm yelling at her to let go and the cop is yelling at her to let go.
We get the dog taken care of. I told the officer that there are still two cats in the house and that that crazy bitch is in the house illegally. He said that she has the paperwork and when I asked to see it, he wouldn't let me see it.
My son opened the garage door using the code. My car is still in the garage. She comes storming out screaming that I am trespassing and she closes the garage door. I'm yelling that she's in the house illegally and the cop is yelling that he will cite us both.
Total chaos.
She gets the garage door closed.
My daughter asks about the cats. The cop wouldn't let anyone in. My daughter explains that her dad is in the house so the cop lets her go in.
Kate grabs my coat off the counter. (I assume she is going to use it to wrap the cat in it). That crazy bitch grabs my daughter and throws her down on the floor right in front of the cop and her father. I hear my daughter crying and the cop yelling about disorderly conduct. The bitch is yelling at the cop and my ex. I assumed that my daughter was crying because the cat scratched her. I only learned about the assault afterwards when I was called to the station to press charges.
A second cop shows up.
The bitch is inside going nuts. I hear her yelling at my ex who is telling her to give me my stuff. The cop is yelling at her. My kids, my friend and I are all standing outside with the second cop.
The second cop tells me that she has never seen anything like this. Clearly the bitch entered the house illegally. She was supposed to have the sheriff serve paperwork before the house could legally be entered.
I decided to call the sheriff's office since they do evictions and our local police do not. I knew it was wrong for the bitch to be in the house and to keep my car and the rest of my stuff.
Yes, she was going to keep my car.
While waiting for the sheriff, my ex comes out with my bedding. It is soaking wet. I asked him why in the hell it was wet. He said it was on the bathroom floor. I knew I left it on the kitchen counter and why in the hell was it wet.
I glance in the front door, there was water in the hallway. I look my ex in the eye and say, "that crazy bitch flooded the house". He said that there was water all over the basement and the upstairs bathrooms as well.
I just could not believe the level of crazy and this story isn't even over yet.
A sheriff deputy shows up and goes right in the house. There is more yelling.
My daughter is still trying to catch the cats.
So much chaos....
A second deputy shows up.
More yelling.
The cats are finally caught and secured in cars.
My daughter is being comforted by the cop who is outside with us.
Yelling and screaming inside the house.
At one point the cop outside with us must have seen the bitch lunge at one of the officers in the house. She puts her hand on her gun and prepares to enter the house. She apologized to us and explained that officer safety is her priority.
Finally our local cop comes out and explains that the sheriff deputies have explained that she is in the house illegally and that I am free to take my car and go.
I am allowed in the garage and go to get into my car and notice that there is glass all over the seat. I look up and my windshield is smashed and a tire iron is laying my the car.
My heart sank.
I called the cop over and showed him. I took a picture and he said just get in and go.
I look up and the two deputies are trying to hold the bitch back in the garage doorway. She was trying to come after me.
There are no words to fully explain how I feel. It has been a couple of months since this happened.
I am still very angry. I constantly look over my shoulder. That crazy bitch is incredibly violent. She has physically attacked my ex. She cannot know where I live. I'm escorted out of work. I worry for my daughter's safety.
There is so much more to this shitstorm that what I can say or write about at this time.
To be continued...
I'm tired. Not just a sleepy kind of tired.
I'm tired of feeling lost and disconnected. I try to find some sort of direction but often find myself in circles.
I'm tired of living this mundane life with the same day over and over again. I keep thinking that it will change but it never ever does.
I'm tired of being alone and feeling lonely. I have so much to give but there seems to be no one who wants to receive. There isn't anyone to talk to and it seems that my dog is the only one happy to see me at the end of the day.
I'm tired of the struggle of being on my own. I have no one to to share the heavy load of running a home.
I'm tired of fighting depression. Every day seems to big a huge struggle to get out of bed and put on a fake face that hides the demons that haunt me.
I'm tired of giving it my all only to be shot down time after time. My accomplishments are never recognized and the only time I hear anything is when I am failing.
I'm tired of crying.
I'm tired of feeling like I want to curl up into a tight ball hoping that I just disappear.
I'm tired of trying to be strong. The knot between my shoulders grows tighter every single day.
I'm tired of just being me. Sometimes the thought creeps in. the very thought of ending everything.
I'm tired of being afraid to reach out for help. Help can be expensive. Have you ever had to pay for therapy?
I'm tired of shit just going all kinds of wrong.
I'm just so tired.
These last few days I have been having a depression flare up. I hate that. I brace myself for it and just hang on until it passes.
Sometimes the weather triggers it and then sometimes the hormones go all whack-a-doo.
Sometimes my kids demand more from me than I want to give.
Sometimes it isn't anything at all.
This time it is a little different.
My brain won't shut up.
I guess we can call it the voices in my head and we can all chuckle about it....but it really isn't' funny.
I miss my therapist for things like this.
I find myself thinking that there has to be more to my life than just this. Work, sleep, work, sleep....minimal fun time, minimal relax time. I want an adventure. I want to do something bold. I want more to my life than just this.
I read some where that when you find yourself thinking this way that you should make the change.
Yes, but that shit is scary.
I also find myself in a mental struggle in wanting to tell someone how I feel but I am afraid of the reaction. I am afraid of rejection. I am mostly afraid of getting hurt....again.
That shit is scary too.
I look in the mirror and wonder how anyone could want to be with me. I feel ugly. I look tired. I also have the hidden crazy inside too.
ugh....
I struggle with work. I like what I do and I work hard at it. I am scared that I am not doing the right thing or that I will piss someone off. I also am afraid that I just might tell off a customer who really deserves it. Some of my coworkers also need a reality slap to the head.
People are assholes.
Even worse, they don't care that they are assholes.
I have a big trip coming up on behalf of the company. I am honored to be chosen to represent the store and have the opportunity to feel like a bigger part of the picture. Travel always gives me anxiety. I fear getting lost or missing a flight. I fear I won't find a ride to where I need to stay. I fear I will forget to pack something that I really need. I am always afraid that I won't have enough money.
Stupid, eh?
Maybe it is the fears that are driving me nuts.
But then again, the brain eggs on the fears.
My brain tells me that I don't deserve a great relationship. It tells me that I deserve this mundane life. It also tells me that I will miss my flight.
Oh there are so many other things it tells me but I would be here for months typing it all out.
I read all sorts of self help crap.
Ask for what you want. See it, do it. A successful trip is well planned. Fear is nothing but an illusion. blah blah blah
I know, I'm making excuses. I need to work through all this crap in my head.
I am stronger than the voices. (haha)
I've rambled on enough about it.
Besides, my brain is tired.
As I sit here, my numbing is wearing off. I can feel it start to throb. I have tears. I've been in pain for quite some time. I never say anything about it since I am embarrassed.
I have a huge fear of the dentist. It has been this way for many years stemming back to childhood.
The pain got to me and I saw a new dentist today in hopes to have the pain relieved. My coworkers highly recommended him.
I sat in the chair and started to shake. My fear was overwhelming. He was so good about me being a baby and understood that there are people like me who have had such bad experiences.
I get numbed up and had xrays. He examined my teeth. I braced myself.
Bad news.....it isn't an easy fix.
I waited too long and not just one tooth is the root of the problem but four.
And.....they have to come out.
I started to cry.
He quickly reassured me that an oral surgeon can knock me out and remove them and then we can get implants.
I sat there with worry.
How in the hell am I going to pay for it?
Who is going to drive me to surgery?
Are the implants going to hurt?
To top it off, I couldn't have anything done today except start antibiotics as one tooth is ugly infected. The other three are badly broken.
So penicillin and Oxycontin it is until I can get to the oral surgeon.
ugh.....
This totally sucks.
A vision board is something that my counselor suggested that I do to realize my goals and desires. It is basically to keep me from losing sight of what it is that I want in my life that will make me happy.
I put up a big bulletin board in my kitchen and tacked on pictures of houses, gardens, puppies and kittens and a trip to Niagara Falls. (shut up...I really want to see a big ass waterfall.)
I want my own house so I can create my own flower gardens. I want to have a dog and a cat. (I already have two guinea pigs.)
Ok, so now that I explained that....
I put an ad in the paper. I am looking for a house to rent to own or land contract. It was a small little ad with only 12 words and my phone number. I didn't think any one would call.
then...my phone rang....
A gentleman said that he bought a farmhouse on foreclosure and is in the middle of fixing it up. It has four bedrooms, two baths, a new furnace, water heater and ac unit. It sits on 6 acres of land with a barn and pond. He is willing to do a rent to own or land contract on the place. Would I be interested in seeing it?
Holy shit!
So, yeah...I looked at it. It is perfect. It would not cost any more than the rent I pay now. It would be bigger and quieter (I hate my current neighbors). I would be able to have flowers and animals.
Then I came home to my vision board.
I could have cried. I could have a house with gardens and have a dog and a cat and ducks too.
But then the fear set in....
FEAR!!!!
WTF?
I have heard life coaches talk about fear. Fear of change. Fear of failure. Fear of this and that....
Fear of what keeps us from realizing our dreams and goals.
So all day I have been listening to my inner voices try to reason with the fear. I keep hearing my mom "Jesus Christ, who is going to plow the snow or mow that yard?" "How are you going to deal with the water heater blowing up?" Mom was always quick to point out the negatives. She still does even though she is no longer here and it drives me bat shit crazy. I keep asking myself if I can do this.
I want to do this. I need to do this. I need to get past that fear and just say screw it, it ain't going to kill me.
At least I hope it won't.
:-S
