I Don't Always Have Strength

Despite the pain killer and the sleeping pills, I have insomnia.

I used to have insomnia all the time.  It has been more rare over the last few years however it has reared it's ugly head for the last two nights.

I have been working pretty hard; long hours on my feet, weird shifts, and overnights.

Yesterday morning I came home from work and while I was changing out of my stinky clothes I noticed that my left big toe was ugly...well, uglier than usual.

It was painful to touch it and it was an angry red.  The toenail appeared to be green underneath.  I knew it was bad and probably should be looked at by a doctor.

I went to sleep for a few hours.  I got up to pick up my daughter from school and we took my toe to the walk in clinic.

The toe was infected and the nail had to be removed.  It was gross and painful and gained a huge bandage the size of a light bulb.  I was given prescriptions, instructions, gauze, wrap, crutches and a note to miss work for the next day.

But this whole toe thing isn't what this entry is about.

I have a friend who tells me that she admires my strength.  I've been through some pretty tough times and haven't lost my mind completely.

But lately I don't feel very strong.

I have been crying off and on.  I don't sleep.  I don't feel like eating.

The depression is coming to surface again.

When I do sleep, I dream of my mom.  

I miss her when I am hurting....physically and mentally.  Well, I miss her all the time but more so when things turn shitty.

She used to come and stay with me some times and I used to go to see her when I needed a break from things.

My toe triggered this feeling again.  Even though there are so many other things draining me at the moment, it is like the weight that broke the camel's back.

It seems as if I have no one to talk to about my feelings lately.  I feel kind of lost and I wish something would just give a little.

  

*sigh*