I'm tired. Not just a sleepy kind of tired.
I'm tired of feeling lost and disconnected. I try to find some sort of direction but often find myself in circles.
I'm tired of living this mundane life with the same day over and over again. I keep thinking that it will change but it never ever does.
I'm tired of being alone and feeling lonely. I have so much to give but there seems to be no one who wants to receive. There isn't anyone to talk to and it seems that my dog is the only one happy to see me at the end of the day.
I'm tired of the struggle of being on my own. I have no one to to share the heavy load of running a home.
I'm tired of fighting depression. Every day seems to big a huge struggle to get out of bed and put on a fake face that hides the demons that haunt me.
I'm tired of giving it my all only to be shot down time after time. My accomplishments are never recognized and the only time I hear anything is when I am failing.
I'm tired of crying.
I'm tired of feeling like I want to curl up into a tight ball hoping that I just disappear.
I'm tired of trying to be strong. The knot between my shoulders grows tighter every single day.
I'm tired of just being me. Sometimes the thought creeps in. the very thought of ending everything.
I'm tired of being afraid to reach out for help. Help can be expensive. Have you ever had to pay for therapy?
I'm tired of shit just going all kinds of wrong.
I'm just so tired.
Despite the pain killer and the sleeping pills, I have insomnia.
I used to have insomnia all the time. It has been more rare over the last few years however it has reared it's ugly head for the last two nights.
I have been working pretty hard; long hours on my feet, weird shifts, and overnights.
Yesterday morning I came home from work and while I was changing out of my stinky clothes I noticed that my left big toe was ugly...well, uglier than usual.
It was painful to touch it and it was an angry red. The toenail appeared to be green underneath. I knew it was bad and probably should be looked at by a doctor.
I went to sleep for a few hours. I got up to pick up my daughter from school and we took my toe to the walk in clinic.
The toe was infected and the nail had to be removed. It was gross and painful and gained a huge bandage the size of a light bulb. I was given prescriptions, instructions, gauze, wrap, crutches and a note to miss work for the next day.
But this whole toe thing isn't what this entry is about.
I have a friend who tells me that she admires my strength. I've been through some pretty tough times and haven't lost my mind completely.
But lately I don't feel very strong.
I have been crying off and on. I don't sleep. I don't feel like eating.
The depression is coming to surface again.
When I do sleep, I dream of my mom.
I miss her when I am hurting....physically and mentally. Well, I miss her all the time but more so when things turn shitty.
She used to come and stay with me some times and I used to go to see her when I needed a break from things.
My toe triggered this feeling again. Even though there are so many other things draining me at the moment, it is like the weight that broke the camel's back.
It seems as if I have no one to talk to about my feelings lately. I feel kind of lost and I wish something would just give a little.
*sigh*
