Hard to Hide My Crazy

 

Lately I find myself apologizing for my emotions and feelings.  In theory I shouldn't have to do that.

I am who I am and I do come with an amount of crazy.  I am not perfect.  I have tender feelings and am easily hurt.

There is large amounts of baggage that I am trying to work through but it is so hard.

There is so many layers of hurt feelings, mental abuse, trauma, and various other crappy things that lurk under my surface.  

I hate allowing anyone to get close because it has a tendency to surface and then I feel the need to apologize for it.

My insecurities come out and I question everything.  

I hate it.

Sometimes I think I need to come with a warning label,  

At the same time, I should be allowed to be me.  

I think we all come with certain levels of crazy.  We all have gone through shit we don't talk about.  

I do find myself wishing that I didn't feel the need to hide it.  It gets hard sometimes when I'm really tired or I have emotional overload.

My crazy comes out with jazz hands and a kazoo.

It's hard to hide it.

Men Are Abused Too

 

This past week has been a dandy one.  I am still trying to process everything.

If you have been following my blog posts, you may remember that I had an ordeal several years ago with my ex-husband's crazy girlfriend.

You can read it here --> Click Link

His crazy girlfriend is once of the most evil people I have ever encountered in my entire life.  I couldn't wait to leave that small town so I would never have to run into her again.

I always felt that something was going to happen.  Her level of crazy isn't something to take lightly.

My ex ended up marrying her.

MARRYING her!

He turned a blind eye to the little things.  Things that outsiders see more clearly.  I always was watching because my daughter's safety comes first and foremost.

I don't even know how to write everything out because as I stated, I am still processing it all.

The past few weeks, my daughter had been having issues with her anxiety and depression.  As a parent, it is hard to try to help as I am not a professional.  I called her dad many times so that we could figure out what to do as parents.  On Monday is all came to a head and on Tuesday, she got help and things seemed to be turning around.

Thursday morning I get a phone call from my ex looking for our daughter.  I went into instant panic because he never ever calls me.  He assured me that he just wanted to talk to her and that everything was fine.  I checked her GPS and told him that she is at her dorm and is probably sleeping.

Early afternoon I call a call from my daughter, there was panic in her voice and she said that her dad got the shit beat out of him.  I told her to hold on and went somewhere private to take the call.

She said that her dad's wife beat him with her cane (she had back surgery) and that he was hurt bad and that the house was trashed.  She didn't know what to do.  I asked if the cops were called and she said that he was at the police station with his brother and they were filing a report.

She said that the wife flew into a rage after learning that my ex sold our daughter's snowmobile and that he was giving the money to our daughter so she could use it for college.  

I am still in disbelief.

She beat him, bit him, destroyed several things and then beat their dog with a hand held shower thing until the dog was nearly dead.

Who does that?

I asked my daughter if there was anything I could do.  She wanted to go see her dad but I told her to hold off until the police handle everything.  I explained that the wife would be arrested and not to go anywhere near there until she was gone since my daughter seemed to be the source of her rage.

An hour later I called my daughter to see what was happening.  I asked if she was ok and she said that surprisingly, she was in a good mood.  I asked if I should come for the weekend and she said that she wanted me there.  I booked a hotel and made plans to day Friday off of work.

We kept in touch, a while later she called from her dad's and couldn't believe the amount of destruction.  Seeing the dog's blood everywhere was upsetting as well as seeing her dad with a black eye.  The wife also bit my ex.  She and her uncle were taking her dad to get looked at and to document the violence.

My daughter also said that she was going to be with her dad through out the weekend and that I should hold off on coming down.

I was amazed at the strength my daughter had at that moment.  After all that she had been suffering herself, she pulled it together.

There was once moment when she called me when she was so sick to her stomach.  I said that it was a normal reaction to seeing something so traumatic.  

We have had several conversations and more details came out.  I also became sick.

How can a human do something so horrible to another human?

I asked to talk to my ex.  I wanted to know if this happened before he called me that morning.  He said it did and that's why he was looking for our daughter.  I asked why he didn't tell me and he said he didn't want to upset me.  I explained that even though we haven't been married in over 14 years, I still cared.  He is still the father of my child.  Our child loves him dearly and it would crush her if anything happens to him.  He started crying.

He said that she had killed their other dog because the dog listened to him and not her.  He told our daughter that the dog was hit by a car.  

Its just sickening.

I knew something bad was going to happen.  I always picked up on the little indicators.  My ex had my in his contacts as "Craig" so she wouldn't get angry when I called.  He would always let me go to voice mail and call me back when he could talk in private.  He didn't want our daughter to stay at his house as it upset his wife.  There is just so many red flags I cannot even explain them all.

When I asked about why he didn't do something before it escalated to this he said that she was never this bad.  I said she was always this bad.  She was such an evil person from the beginning but he chose not to see it.

I never said "told you so" but I sure the hell thought it.

I feel for my daughter for having this happen to someone that she loves so much.  I wish I could take the pain from her.  I can only be a support for her and help her through this ordeal.

I pray that if that woman gets out of jail that she stays away from my kid otherwise she will have to deal with my wrath.

I know several people who have heard what happened ask about the dog.  He's now fine.  He has a broken jaw.  From what I suspect, I believe that he was protecting my ex and took the hardest of blows.  The dog didn't need surgery and seems to be in good spirits.

Shitstorm

I hesitate to write this.  I've been silent for so long while a shitstorm is brewing around me.

This is a continuation of my blog entry, A Total Miscarriage of Justice.

December 1, 2017 is a day I will remember as one of the worse days of my life.

Everyday from the day the judge ordered in favor of the eviction up until December 1st and after has been hell.

After the court hearing, I started packing.  I had to get everything packed and out of the house as fast as I could.  I couldn't risk getting kicked out without having all of my belongings safe.

Once everything was out and stored in a safe place, I still couldn't rest.  It was just a wait until my new place was ready to move into on December 1st.  I was in a constant state of anxiety just waiting for that knock at the door from the sheriff.

We stayed in an empty house on air mattresses, just hoping we had time and we weren't going to be homeless for a couple of days.  I also became so incredibly angry with the ex for allowing this all to happen.

On December 1st, I had the help of my friend, kids and dad to gt everything moved into our new place.  I was and still am in constant fear that the crazy bitch will find me and my daughter.

We had almost everything moved in and I get a phone call from the local police asking me what I was going to do with my dog that was still at the house.  I felt me skin go white.  I asked him why was he at the house and that we weren't done moving yet.  He said he was at the house with the bitch and that they wanted to know what to do with the dog.  I said I was going to be right over and hung up.

When we get there, she is yelling and screaming and dragging my dog out of the house in her kennel.  I'm yelling at her to let go and the cop is yelling at her to let go.


We get the dog taken care of.  I told the officer that there are still two cats in the house and that that crazy bitch is in the house illegally.  He said that she has the paperwork and when I asked to see it, he wouldn't let me see it.

My son opened the garage door using the code.  My car is still in the garage.  She comes storming out screaming that I am trespassing and she closes the garage door.  I'm yelling that she's in the house illegally and the cop is yelling that he will cite us both.

Total chaos.

She gets the garage door closed.

My daughter asks about the cats.  The cop wouldn't let anyone in.  My daughter explains that her dad is in the house so the cop lets her go in.

Kate grabs my coat off the counter.  (I assume she is going to use it to wrap the cat in it). That crazy bitch grabs my daughter and throws her down on the floor right in front of the cop and her father.  I hear my daughter crying and the cop yelling about disorderly conduct.  The bitch is yelling at the cop and my ex.  I assumed that my daughter was crying because the cat scratched her.  I only learned about the assault afterwards when I was called to the station to press charges.

A second cop shows up.

The bitch is inside going nuts.  I hear her yelling at my ex who is telling her to give me my stuff.  The cop is yelling at her.  My kids, my friend and I are all standing outside with the second cop.

The second cop tells me that she has never seen anything like this.  Clearly the bitch entered the house illegally.  She was supposed to have the sheriff serve paperwork before the house could legally be entered.

I decided to call the sheriff's office since they do evictions and our local police do not.  I knew it was wrong for the bitch to be in the house and to keep my car and the rest of my stuff.

Yes, she was going to keep my car.

While waiting for the sheriff, my ex comes out with my bedding.  It is soaking wet.  I asked him why in the hell it was wet.  He said it was on the bathroom floor.  I knew I left it on the kitchen counter and why in the hell was it wet.

I glance in the front door, there was water in the hallway.  I look my ex in the eye and say, "that crazy bitch flooded the house".  He said that there was water all over the basement and the upstairs bathrooms as well.  

I just could not believe the level of crazy and this story isn't even over yet.

A sheriff deputy shows up and goes right in the house.  There is more yelling.

My daughter is still trying to catch the cats.

So much chaos....

A second deputy shows up.

More yelling.

The cats are finally caught and secured in cars.

My daughter is being comforted by the cop who is outside with us.

Yelling and screaming inside the house.

At one point the cop outside with us must have seen the bitch lunge at one of the officers in the house.  She puts her hand on her gun and prepares to enter the house.  She apologized to us and explained that officer safety is her priority.

Finally our local cop comes out and explains that the sheriff deputies have explained that she is in the house illegally and that I am free to take my car and go.

I am allowed in the garage and go to get into my car and notice that there is glass all over the seat.  I look up and my windshield is smashed and a tire iron is laying my the car.

My heart sank.

I called the cop over and showed him.  I took a picture and he said just get in and go.

I look up and the two deputies are trying to hold the bitch back in the garage doorway.  She was trying to come after me.

There are no words to fully explain how I feel.  It has been a couple of months since this happened.

I am still very angry.  I constantly look over my shoulder.  That crazy bitch is incredibly violent.  She has physically attacked my ex.  She cannot know where I live.  I'm escorted out of work.  I worry for my daughter's safety.

There is so much more to this shitstorm that what I can say or write about at this time.

To be continued...

My Brain is Driving Me Crazy

These last few days I have been having a depression flare up.  I hate that.  I brace myself for it and just hang on until it passes.

Sometimes the weather triggers it and then sometimes the hormones go all whack-a-doo.

Sometimes my kids demand more from me than I want to give.

Sometimes it isn't anything at all.

This time it is a little different.

My brain won't shut up.

I guess we can call it the voices in my head and we can all chuckle about it....but it really isn't' funny.

I miss my therapist for things like this.

I find myself thinking that there has to be more to my life than just this.  Work, sleep, work, sleep....minimal fun time, minimal relax time.  I want an adventure.  I want to do something bold.  I want more to my life than just this.

I read some where that when you find yourself thinking this way that you should make the change.  

Yes, but that shit is scary.

I also find myself in a mental struggle in wanting to tell someone how I feel but I am afraid of the reaction.  I am afraid of rejection.  I am mostly afraid of getting hurt....again.

That shit is scary too.

I look in the mirror and wonder how anyone could want to be with me.  I feel ugly.  I look tired.  I also have the hidden crazy inside too.

ugh....

I struggle with work.  I like what I do and I work hard at it.  I am scared that I am not doing the right thing or that I will piss someone off.  I also am afraid that I just might tell off a customer who really deserves it.  Some of my coworkers also need a reality slap to the head.

People are assholes.

Even worse, they don't care that they are assholes.

I have a big trip coming up on behalf of the company.  I am honored to be chosen to represent the store and have the opportunity to feel like a bigger part of the picture.  Travel always gives me anxiety.  I fear getting lost or missing a flight.  I fear I won't find a ride to where I need to stay.  I fear I will forget to pack something that I really need.  I am always afraid that I won't have enough money.

Stupid, eh?

Maybe it is the fears that are driving me nuts.

But then again, the brain eggs on the fears.

My brain tells me that I don't deserve a great relationship.  It tells me that I deserve this mundane life. It also tells me that I will miss my flight.  

Oh there are so many other things it tells me but I would be here for months typing it all out.

I read all sorts of self help crap.

Ask for what you want.  See it, do it.  A successful trip is well planned.  Fear is nothing but an illusion.  blah blah blah

I know, I'm making excuses.  I need to work through all this crap in my head.

I am stronger than the voices.  (haha)

I've rambled on enough about it.

Besides, my brain is tired.