His Voice

 

I actually heard him before I saw him.  His voice is the very same that once whispered in my ear, the very same that laughed with mine, the very same that lied.

He didn't see me.  I made sure if that.  If we had made eye contact, I am not sure what would have happened and I just am not ready to find out.

I knew I would run into him eventually.  I knew he had moved back to our hometown and it isn't a very large place.  Hell, technically, we live on a freaking island.

It was eight years ago that we last spoke, but my ears could tell, it was him.  I took a peek to see and it was him but only fatter and his hair was growing in a ring instead of being bald.  I made sure that he wouldn't see me.  I had my mask on and my hair over my eyes.  I am still not prepared for a polite hello or even a nod.

A punch to the head maybe.....

It is amazing how just a simple sound can trigger such an emotion.  Everything flooded back into the forefront of my mind.  The memory of an immense hurt and feelings of inadequacy, such a powerful emotion to feel.

I've been through therapy and worked hard at getting my strength back.  I have learned that what happened was not due to anything that I had done.  Cheaters and liars do what they do because of their own demons and they take apart anyone in their wake.

That instant of hearing his voice, triggered that one instance of going back to the place before I got help, that one instance of feeling small and insignificant.  I felt that I wasn't enough once again.  It was a dark place that I really didn't want to encounter again.

Seriously though, there wasn't anything special about him.  He is an ordinary man, doing an ordinary job in a small town.  He isn't a prince or even important.  He just was him.

And yet, during our time, he was mine and I trusted everything.  I believe everything.  

But that was my side of the coin....

A different reality was happening on his side.

I will never truly understand why he was the way he was with me.  I never will.  I can't just ask him because he holds no truth.

Sometimes I wish that he would know my truth.  How I was left and how broken I was.  I wish he could know how much hurt his deceit had caused.  Perhaps it really doesn't matter now. 

It's been eight years.  Eight long years of trying to figure out how to trust again.  How to open up and show my heart.  How to let someone in.  Even now, I still don't know if I can fully do it.  My heart hurts in fear just typing it.

Not everyone is my ex.  <-- I need that on a card or something to remind myself.

It is still strange how his voice is what I heard first after so many years.  It caused me to stumble a little, but I am good now.