His Voice

 

I actually heard him before I saw him.  His voice is the very same that once whispered in my ear, the very same that laughed with mine, the very same that lied.

He didn't see me.  I made sure if that.  If we had made eye contact, I am not sure what would have happened and I just am not ready to find out.

I knew I would run into him eventually.  I knew he had moved back to our hometown and it isn't a very large place.  Hell, technically, we live on a freaking island.

It was eight years ago that we last spoke, but my ears could tell, it was him.  I took a peek to see and it was him but only fatter and his hair was growing in a ring instead of being bald.  I made sure that he wouldn't see me.  I had my mask on and my hair over my eyes.  I am still not prepared for a polite hello or even a nod.

A punch to the head maybe.....

It is amazing how just a simple sound can trigger such an emotion.  Everything flooded back into the forefront of my mind.  The memory of an immense hurt and feelings of inadequacy, such a powerful emotion to feel.

I've been through therapy and worked hard at getting my strength back.  I have learned that what happened was not due to anything that I had done.  Cheaters and liars do what they do because of their own demons and they take apart anyone in their wake.

That instant of hearing his voice, triggered that one instance of going back to the place before I got help, that one instance of feeling small and insignificant.  I felt that I wasn't enough once again.  It was a dark place that I really didn't want to encounter again.

Seriously though, there wasn't anything special about him.  He is an ordinary man, doing an ordinary job in a small town.  He isn't a prince or even important.  He just was him.

And yet, during our time, he was mine and I trusted everything.  I believe everything.  

But that was my side of the coin....

A different reality was happening on his side.

I will never truly understand why he was the way he was with me.  I never will.  I can't just ask him because he holds no truth.

Sometimes I wish that he would know my truth.  How I was left and how broken I was.  I wish he could know how much hurt his deceit had caused.  Perhaps it really doesn't matter now. 

It's been eight years.  Eight long years of trying to figure out how to trust again.  How to open up and show my heart.  How to let someone in.  Even now, I still don't know if I can fully do it.  My heart hurts in fear just typing it.

Not everyone is my ex.  <-- I need that on a card or something to remind myself.

It is still strange how his voice is what I heard first after so many years.  It caused me to stumble a little, but I am good now.

An Open Message to Mike

You know....I loved you once.

Once upon a time long ago.  Back when I trusted everything you said. 

I believed that you had loved me too. I loved you deeply and completely.  I opened myself up to you.  I never loved anyone else as much as I did you. Honestly, I didn't see myself with any other man, ever.  I looked forward to a future with you.  

You were my one and only.

Then you left.

Not just once, but twice.

Broken heart each fucking time.

I used to be a very forgiving person.  I used to trust too.  I used to be a lot of things.

Lots of past tense words, eh?

I am not that person any more.

You text me now.  You say you miss "talking" to me.

Texting isn't talking.

The fact is, I don't miss you.  I don't miss your sweet words.  I don't miss your fine talk.  I don't miss our private little jokes.  I don't miss any more of your sugar coated bull shit.


I deserve much better.

At first I couldn't figure out why, after all these years, did you choose to miss me all of a sudden.  I was baffled as to why you would poke at my heart again with an email.  

Then it dawned on me and I did some digging.  

I think you forgot how cleverly, smart I am.

I see that she's divorcing you.

Single Like Sliced Cheese

Love lasts for but a moment like a ripple on a small, solitary puddle.

I fell in love not just once, but twice.  Both times left me scarred and broken.  The second, I have yet to heal from.  The first has chosen to resurface but I am numb.  I choose not to respond.

I was married twice but didn't love once.  A sad fact.  Perhaps I had hoped but love to come  Hard to say, it was a long time ago.

Love is difficult, love is blind.  Love is a fickle bitch.

I am reminded of my failures by the candy coated bullshit that graces store shelves.  Reminding us that the day of love is just around the corner.  I want to scream and pull the pink and red from the aisles, tossing it to the floor, where my heart once laid.

Perhaps I am bitter.  Love failed me.  Love was hidden in lies and promises.  I no longer trust love.

I am single like sliced cheese.

Good Night Nobody

She decided to get up from the couch and head for bed.  She locked the doors and turned out the lights and slowly climbed the stairs.

She checked in on the children, gave them each one last kiss goodnight and sighed.  The children became instant reminders of the broken promises made by their fathers.  Today was a long day.

She turned her light on low and hung up her work clothes from earlier that evening and changed into her pajamas.  Thoughts of him filled her mind and she flipped on the tv for an instant distraction.  The late night show that they cuddled and watched together filled the screen.  Tears stung in her eyes and she cursed the power that he still had over her.

Days turned into months since she had last heard from him; her calls went unanswerd, her text messages were ignored.  This is the time of night that they usually spent talking and laughing and now it just became empty and silent.

She quickly swore at Jay Leno and turned him off with the push of a button.

She lay in the darkness with memories in her head.  The tears wouldn't stop no matter how hard she fought them.  She damned him for not letting her go, not telling her it was over, not speaking to her at all.

She wished that she mattered more to him.  Her friends said that she deserved better.  She wanted a normal relationship but was left empty and broken with no answers and no closure.  He has said that he loved her and she believed him.  She felt like a fool.  Her tears mourned for her heart.

Eventually the tears slowed and she was tired.  Tomorrow was another day.

She sighed and covered herself as she rolled over and said good night to nobody.