Head Gremlins

 

I've been in a strange head space lately.  I've been doing so well on controlling the mind gremlins but those sneaky bastards are telling me lies again.

So many blows to my psyche lately have been breaking the barrier into my mind and heart.  I have been feeling such a deep sadness and don't know when I will be able to pull out of it.

Changes have a lot to do with messing with my head space. 

I've moved so I am trying to get my living space just right to where I can allow myself to decompress.  Right now, it just chaos and boxes.  I can't really put things in their place until the house speaks to me.  I do have my bedroom clear of clutter and everything is put away but my other spaces need some work.  I realize that takes time but this is a small part of what is causing me stress.

I have kind of a new role at work so when I go in, I am not sure what the plan of attack will be for any given day.  I also have continuous interruptions due to training others and that is wearing on me.  I will power through it and eventually my work place will be fine but for now, it gives my mind gremlins another break in the wall.

I also was in a brief relationship.  I had a glimpse of what it means to have someone care for me in a way that I deserved to be treated.  It ended abruptly with really no one at fault.  I am angry with God for giving me something so wonderful and then yanking it away.

I find myself pulled in many directions and have a full plate.  I need to step back from spreading myself too thin and do something for me.

So with everything going on, the mind gremlins have been lying to me again.  The distractions and the chaos allows them to go in and whisper in my ear.  They tell me things.

I feel that I am not strong enough to handle the lies.  I start to believe them.  My self worth starts to crumble and I feel unloved and cornered.  I have no inner peace.  I look in the mirror and see my tired, sad eyes and believe that I am ugly and not worthy of this life.

Mind gremlins....

I've been dealing with them for so many years.  

I know that this will pass and that I have to push through the feelings.

They lie.  I know they lie.

But still I find myself believing them.

As I type this, I hear them whisper the lies.

Fat, ugly, stupid, unlovable, crazy, not good enough, and so on...

I know they're lies but at the same time, I believe them.

When I write about how I am feeling.  It helps a little.  To get it out and to digest it.  It allows me to step back and validate how I feel and work through it.

I know this feeling will pass with each day as I adjust to my new normal.

It just takes time to evict the mind gremlins.

How I Deal With It

I have written about my battle with depression many times.  I've written about the time I wanted to end my life.  

I write about it because I know there are others who feel the same and they feel alone.  I write to let them know they aren't alone.

I have been asked recently about how I deal with it.  I am asked if I am cured.  I am asked if I still have feelings of ending my life.

First, I don't believe that there will ever really be a cure for depression.  I've dealt with mine since I was about 14 or so.  There were factors that came into play that I don't really talk about.  It isn't because I'm embarrassed or I don't want to talk about them.  It's just that some of the factors have names and I don't feel angry or hatred towards them so I don't want anyone else judging them.  

Second, I deal with depression by recognizing my triggers and avoiding them.  Triggers could be memories of past trauma or even when I let my own head starts overthinking.  Sometimes I even see the "factors" of my past and I have to pretend that things didn't happen.

I also practice self care.  Practicing self care is a huge key in managing depression.  I have learned to immurse myself in creativity.  I use it as an outlet.  I create beautiful things and that makes me feel good.  I read.  I write.  I walk.  I take time outs for me.  I go to the lake and dip my toes.  

I've accepted myself for who I am and if others don't like me, that is their problem, not mine.  There are times when my own mind lies when I look in the mirror.  I hear that I am ugly, fat, stupid, unlovable and so on.  Those lies are just echoes from my former self.  

And.... they are just lies.

I also have learned to accept love into my heart.  I don't mean a romantic love but a pure love from family and friends.  I surround myself with good people and I love them back. 

I've learned to ask for help.  There are numbers that I can call and talk to someone immediately.   I reach out to friends and family. 

Do I still have feelings of ending it all?

I haven't in a very long time.  I've made many changes to my life to ensure that it doesn't happen.  Sometimes I wonder if I will have a moment of irrational thought and that would be all it takes.

It was hard work learning to step back from that ledge.  It continues to be hard work.

But good things come from hard work.

Suicide Hotline

800-273-8255

Dirty Little Liar

Depression

Many people talk about it, many people have it, many people don't understand it.

There are many descriptions of it and how it feels to have it.  There are treatments for it.

I have had it for many many years.  Ever since I hit puberty, I have dealt with it.  Sometimes it ebbs and then there are times it flows.

This time of year is difficult.

I have the moments where I don't want to get out of bed.  I have the teary eyed drive home moments.  (The car is such a bastard because it traps me with my thoughts.)  I have the moments of insecurity and can't even stand my own reflection.  I have the "I'm so broke, I can't do anything fun" moments.  I lose interest in anything that gives me the slightest joy.  I think I have no friends or have friends that just don't give a shit.

Life becomes flat.

There is no other fix for it than just plugging through it.

I try to block out the damn lies that depression whispers in my ear.

It tells me things.

You are not good enough.  Nobody loves you.  That big zit on your face will never go away.  You will never ever have any money.  You are ugly.  You are fat.  Everyone leaves you because it is your fault.  You can't do anything right.  Your animals are going to die because you mistreat them.  Your kids think you are a failure.  You are just so stupid.  

and the list goes on....

All lies

When you are in the pit of depression, the lies become so believable.  One million people can all tell you that they are not true and tell you so many positive things but you tend to believe those whispery lies because you know you best.

Even your little helper pill doesn't help.  (citalopram, zoloft, lexapro, paxil, prozac...for examples)

So how to deal with it.

Good question

I tend to just accept it as it is and hope it passes quicker than the last bout with it.  I never have thoughts of suicide but I can see where someone may be pushed to that level.  I tend to think about running away, just disappearing into the unknown.  I start looking at other countries or places to go.  I look at job postings and plan an escape.  It takes long enough to check everything out that I kind of forget about the depression.

Funny, eh?

I know that there are so many other people who deal with depression and that is just sad in itself.  Sometimes I wonder why so many of us have to deal with it.  

This world would be such a better place if we just didn't have depression.