Head Gremlins

 

I've been in a strange head space lately.  I've been doing so well on controlling the mind gremlins but those sneaky bastards are telling me lies again.

So many blows to my psyche lately have been breaking the barrier into my mind and heart.  I have been feeling such a deep sadness and don't know when I will be able to pull out of it.

Changes have a lot to do with messing with my head space. 

I've moved so I am trying to get my living space just right to where I can allow myself to decompress.  Right now, it just chaos and boxes.  I can't really put things in their place until the house speaks to me.  I do have my bedroom clear of clutter and everything is put away but my other spaces need some work.  I realize that takes time but this is a small part of what is causing me stress.

I have kind of a new role at work so when I go in, I am not sure what the plan of attack will be for any given day.  I also have continuous interruptions due to training others and that is wearing on me.  I will power through it and eventually my work place will be fine but for now, it gives my mind gremlins another break in the wall.

I also was in a brief relationship.  I had a glimpse of what it means to have someone care for me in a way that I deserved to be treated.  It ended abruptly with really no one at fault.  I am angry with God for giving me something so wonderful and then yanking it away.

I find myself pulled in many directions and have a full plate.  I need to step back from spreading myself too thin and do something for me.

So with everything going on, the mind gremlins have been lying to me again.  The distractions and the chaos allows them to go in and whisper in my ear.  They tell me things.

I feel that I am not strong enough to handle the lies.  I start to believe them.  My self worth starts to crumble and I feel unloved and cornered.  I have no inner peace.  I look in the mirror and see my tired, sad eyes and believe that I am ugly and not worthy of this life.

Mind gremlins....

I've been dealing with them for so many years.  

I know that this will pass and that I have to push through the feelings.

They lie.  I know they lie.

But still I find myself believing them.

As I type this, I hear them whisper the lies.

Fat, ugly, stupid, unlovable, crazy, not good enough, and so on...

I know they're lies but at the same time, I believe them.

When I write about how I am feeling.  It helps a little.  To get it out and to digest it.  It allows me to step back and validate how I feel and work through it.

I know this feeling will pass with each day as I adjust to my new normal.

It just takes time to evict the mind gremlins.

Losing Kate

 

Katherine Marlene was born at 16:16 pm on June 9, 2002.  She was a petite 7 pounds, 5 ounces and had a full head of hair.  She had big, beautiful eyes and long fingers.  She had a tiny little birthmark on her earlobe.  We knew she was a girl long before she made her appearance.  

As she grew, her personality really started to shine.  She was smart and funny.  She was also quite trying on the patience at times.

Her teen years started with her always wanting to succeed in school, bringing home straight "A"s without me even having to push.  She was always harder on herself.

Teenage Kate had her hard moments.  We struggled with her eating disorder and low self esteem.  We sought help on numerous occasions.  She attempted suicide once and was hospitalized.  Once we found the right treatment, she started to soar.

At the beginning of this September it all came to a halt.

Her move in day at the start of her sophomore year of college turned into a nightmare.  

She was raped by another student in his dorm room.  

She internalized the trauma for about ten days before she told me.  Ashamed and embarrassed, she didn't want to be judged.  As a rape victim, one tends to blame themselves and is often afraid to speak out.  A victim feels afraid of retaliation and also fear that they won't be believed.  A victim is in shock and is unable to fully process what has happened to them.

I finally talked her into reporting it and she went to the hospital to get examined.  During the exam, she vocalized wanting to die and they had to commit her to behavioral health for 72 hours.

After her release, she was exhibiting signs of delusions and hallucinations.  Her dad was concerned and brought her back to the hospital.  She has been diagnosed with psychosis.  She has been creating an alternate reality to hide from the trauma of the attack.

As a parent, I cannot explain how horrible it feels to have lost your child on top of knowing what she has been through to bring her to this point.  

She doesn't deserve this.... any of it.

I cannot visit her due to covid restrictions.  I cannot hold her and tell her that she will be alright.  I cannot take away any of her pain.  I couldn't protect her from the monster who did this to her.  I cannot wipe her tears.

When I talk to her, I don't know this Katie.  

I pray that I have not lost her.  I pray so hard.

I listen for any little hint that she's still in there somewhere.

I don't want to be losing Kate.

Hard to Hide My Crazy

 

Lately I find myself apologizing for my emotions and feelings.  In theory I shouldn't have to do that.

I am who I am and I do come with an amount of crazy.  I am not perfect.  I have tender feelings and am easily hurt.

There is large amounts of baggage that I am trying to work through but it is so hard.

There is so many layers of hurt feelings, mental abuse, trauma, and various other crappy things that lurk under my surface.  

I hate allowing anyone to get close because it has a tendency to surface and then I feel the need to apologize for it.

My insecurities come out and I question everything.  

I hate it.

Sometimes I think I need to come with a warning label,  

At the same time, I should be allowed to be me.  

I think we all come with certain levels of crazy.  We all have gone through shit we don't talk about.  

I do find myself wishing that I didn't feel the need to hide it.  It gets hard sometimes when I'm really tired or I have emotional overload.

My crazy comes out with jazz hands and a kazoo.

It's hard to hide it.

Semicolon

 

He saw my tattoo.

A butterfly with a subtle semicolon for a body.

The butterfly symbolizes a beautiful change.  

The semicolon is a symbol that means that an author could have ended a sentence and chose not to.  

The semicolon is now recognized as a symbol of affirmation and solidarity against suicide, depression and other mental health issues.  It inspires strength in the midst of suffering.

He saw my tattoo.  He noticed the semicolon fairly quickly.  I was surprised since many do not see that detail.  Especially a man...

He asked about it.  I am really open about how the tattoo came about.  I talk about how there was that one moment of irrational thought where I was really ready to end it.

The mental pain is hard to deal with and you just want it to stop.

He then shared his story.  We were in a room with so many people but it was like we were the only two people in the room.

He put his hand on my back and I could almost feel his energy, his pain, his suffering.  I could also feel his relief to be talking with someone who understands.  

Throughout the night he would come and stand next to me, touch my arm or my back.  He kept apologizing for it.  I told him that there is no need to apologize.

It is a great comfort to know that you are not alone and what you feel or what you are going through is hard. 

May is Mental Health Awareness Month.

It is important every month but times are really tough lately with the damn virus and the world is all turned upside down.  It is especially hard on teens.  

Please be kind to one another.

You never know what battles someone is fighting.

It's Ugly Head

Again....

It rears its ugly head.

It seeps into my deepest crevasses and digs deep.

Sometimes it feels so physical, like it grips so tight.

I felt it coming.  It was just a matter of time for it to start to really hurt.

Sometimes I cannot mentally prepare for it.  I just have to let it come.

So I hurt.

I fail to understand some things.  The why for what causes it. 

Like "Why doesn't he talk to me anymore?" and "I feel like I am just not good enough." and also "I am not strong enough to cope."

My daily physical pain wears on me too.  There is just never any complete relief.

The weather plays a part.  I am tired of fighting the cold.  Sick of the constant white backdrop.

Work is becoming mundane and repetitive.  Waking at the ungodly hour of 3 am is wearing thin.

Instead of reaching for a razor this time, I find myself wanting to just disappear.  I want to run and be unknown.  I want to reinvent myself and not be the current me.

It's such  a sad, lonely feeling.

There is no joy, no laughter, no happiness.....

only me and my depression....