Head Gremlins

 

I've been in a strange head space lately.  I've been doing so well on controlling the mind gremlins but those sneaky bastards are telling me lies again.

So many blows to my psyche lately have been breaking the barrier into my mind and heart.  I have been feeling such a deep sadness and don't know when I will be able to pull out of it.

Changes have a lot to do with messing with my head space. 

I've moved so I am trying to get my living space just right to where I can allow myself to decompress.  Right now, it just chaos and boxes.  I can't really put things in their place until the house speaks to me.  I do have my bedroom clear of clutter and everything is put away but my other spaces need some work.  I realize that takes time but this is a small part of what is causing me stress.

I have kind of a new role at work so when I go in, I am not sure what the plan of attack will be for any given day.  I also have continuous interruptions due to training others and that is wearing on me.  I will power through it and eventually my work place will be fine but for now, it gives my mind gremlins another break in the wall.

I also was in a brief relationship.  I had a glimpse of what it means to have someone care for me in a way that I deserved to be treated.  It ended abruptly with really no one at fault.  I am angry with God for giving me something so wonderful and then yanking it away.

I find myself pulled in many directions and have a full plate.  I need to step back from spreading myself too thin and do something for me.

So with everything going on, the mind gremlins have been lying to me again.  The distractions and the chaos allows them to go in and whisper in my ear.  They tell me things.

I feel that I am not strong enough to handle the lies.  I start to believe them.  My self worth starts to crumble and I feel unloved and cornered.  I have no inner peace.  I look in the mirror and see my tired, sad eyes and believe that I am ugly and not worthy of this life.

Mind gremlins....

I've been dealing with them for so many years.  

I know that this will pass and that I have to push through the feelings.

They lie.  I know they lie.

But still I find myself believing them.

As I type this, I hear them whisper the lies.

Fat, ugly, stupid, unlovable, crazy, not good enough, and so on...

I know they're lies but at the same time, I believe them.

When I write about how I am feeling.  It helps a little.  To get it out and to digest it.  It allows me to step back and validate how I feel and work through it.

I know this feeling will pass with each day as I adjust to my new normal.

It just takes time to evict the mind gremlins.

The Guarded Heart

I’ve been fighting demons again.

The struggle becomes so difficult that I’m my own enemy.  My mind becomes a weapon against me.

My walls are so damn high and I am just lost.

I need to get back into therapy before it becomes too late.

I used to love so easily and freely. I gave myself to those who didn’t deserve it, sacrificing myself in the process.

Lately I don’t even recognize myself.

I feel so unloved and unwanted, not only by others but even I don’t even want me.  I feel so unloved and closed.  I hurt.

A lot.

I don’t know what to do.

I sit in my solitude.  It is so quiet but at the same time I hear my mind just screaming.  I wish it would just stop.

The lies.  I know my mind is lying but sometimes is just easier to just accept the fact that I’m not worthy of a life of love and laughter.  I’m not worthy of someone’s time.  I’ve become an afterthought or even just a booty call and that’s all I deserve.

My mind is a liar and I just accept it.

I don’t know how to ask for help.

Tears stream down my face as I type this.

Every day I just feel more broken.

Mind Dump

I dreamt of my mother last night.  It was a weird dream that included racks of clothing.  A sales person in knee high boots and a carnival act in the parking lot of a store that included large inflatable clowns and a child.  My mom and I were shopping (I guess) and on the way out we saw the clown act with the child and I elbowed her and nodded to the act and she shrugged.  No words were exchanged.  Then the alarm went off and that was that.

Weird huh?

The dream probably means something deep down.  What is strange that I remember the dream so vividly from about 12 hours ago.

I dream of my mom here and there.  I also dream of my grandparents too.  Not always all together and not always every night.

Things have been changing around here.  My daughter's dad and I decided to enroll her in a private Lutheran school here in town.  We are hoping that this helps with social issues and also we hope that it gives her a challenge with her school work.

I was against the transfer at first.  I am not overly religious and I worried about how much it would cost.  

We took a tour of the school and once inside the church sanctuary, I had this overwhelming feeling of being home.  

I used to go to church frequently with my friends.  I liked to sing the hymns.  I liked to listen to the messages given.

Some where along the way, I lost my faith.  I began to question my beliefs.  I just gave up on believing on anything.  I stopped praying.  
After taking the tour, I have been thinking about revisiting the church and maybe getting my faith back.

So there you have my mind dump....just a couple of random things rambling around my brain.

P.S.  I just reread what I wrote and my spell checker doesn't like the word "dreamt".  What the hell?