Those were such harsh words. "I don't love you." These were spoken by a guy I was dating. I was really into him. I enjoyed every part of being with him. He made me feel alive. Well....until he said that. And those words constantly haunt me. They were said a couple of years ago. They appear in my dreams. The appear in my quiet moments. They appear when I least expect it. The memory of those words is as haunting as any ghost. They torment. They hurt. I often find myself wondering why I am not lovable. Why would he say something like that? Why am I so alone all the time? When I look back to my past relationships I remember the ones who cheated, the one who disappeared, the one who gave up. I think about why am I attracted to these men who don't respect a relationship and honor a commitment. The only thing in common is me. I must have the problem some how. I have been to counseling. We discuss the fact that I feel so unlovable. We relate it to my relationship with my mother and why I never felt really loved and most likely cannot have a normal relationship until I love myself. Blah Blah Blah I get that. But still... Words can be so hurtful. Lately I feel so closed off and almost like a dog licking it's wounds. I roll into a ball and just cry sometimes. I should be good enough to receive love and respect but I just don't know how or where to start to find it. I feel so dysfunctional. And I'm angry. I wish I knew how to fix it. I wish I knew how to trust someone not to leave me. I just wish I didn't have to be so alone all of the time.
I've reread some of my old blog entries. I pulled several off of my blog and tucked them away in a safe place. I was told once that they made certain people uncomfortable. Well, hell, ,depression IS uncomfortable. It is an icky, awful, mood altering, horrible, alone kind of feeling. You feel it envelope you like a greasy skin weighing you down so much so you feel like you will never ever stand up again. You lie when you are asked if you are ok. You fake a smile or a laugh when inside you are crumbling. You feel unlovable, broken in some way. You think that everyone who sees you, sees your ugly side. Doctors can give you pills, therapists can give you advice, but it still lurks and awaits your weak moment and then..... BLAM! it hits you. So yeah, it is uncomfortable. duh... I was told once (during my ickiest feelings) that someone came across my blog and was made to feel uncomfortable by some of my writing. I was upset and pulled them all. I probably shouldn't have. I don't mind sharing my feelings and thoughts. I am sure that there are hundreds if not thousands out here just like me. So I was thinking about that moment where I was told about making someone uncomfortable. Then I went to my blog stash and reread my feelings and thoughts that I wrote at the moment of feeling them. I also remember how it felt to write it down and do a mind dump. It can be therapeutic. It can also let someone else know that they aren't alone in this feeling. So if you just read all of this and feel uncomfortable..... just imagine how I feel.
