Phoenix, Arizona

Recently I was in Phoenix, Arizona.  I went to visit one of my very best friends on the planet.

I didn't know what to expect when I was there.  I did know that I needed to visit with my friend because life has been troublesome lately.  I have lost motivation and spark.  I haven't been creative in a while and I certainly was sick of the winter.

I have joked on occasion that I just want to pick up and move there without checking it out first.  Maybe I should have waited to visit in July or August as I have also claimed to not be a huge fan of hot weather.

Anyway, I had the best visit.  I loved Arcosanti's Windbells.  Loved it!  They are so very beautiful and so very touchable.  (I love to touch things.)  They are so unique and are made in the most architecturally interesting structure.  I could just feel the creativity flow.

The Desert Botanical Garden was another amazing thing to see.  So pretty and so peaceful even though it was raining off and on.  The views were spectacular and the Wild Rising Crackling Art from Milan just added pops of color everywhere.

We ate such good food and had many good drinks.  (Really really good drinks)  Ok, I wasn't a fan of the rattlesnake.

I even got to experience Butterfly Wonderland.  I just love butterflies.  I couldn't have been happier than to spend time with them flying around.  One even landed on me!

We did go to Art Walk in Scottsdale.  I do love to look at art.  It gets my creative juices flowing.  I felt like I could maybe someday be one of those people who can do what they love and share it with anyone and everyone.  I even got to meet Jim Sudal who is such an amazing human being.  I even bought one of his pieces to take home. 

The most epic part of the trip was to the Grand Canyon National Park.  Such a beautiful part of America.  I could appreciate anyone who traveled west in covered wagons and coming upon the Grand Canyon and wondering what in the hell they got themselves into.  I have so many photos it is hard to choose what to share.

I even got to see a very rare white bat at the Rock Springs Cafe.

It's such a wonder to travel to somewhere new and appreciate the beauty and the history.  I was in a huge city but it didn't feel very big at all.  I feel more creative now.  I want to work with new media and try some new projects.  I feel rejuvinated.

The one thing (person) I miss the most in Arizona is not all of the sights, smells and art.  It is my friend.  She has known me for about 35 years.  We are so very different and yet we just get each other.  I love her to death and I appreciate her and her husband for putting up with me.  I hope to return.

Some more photos.....

Me at the Desert Botanical Garden

A view from the street

They have an orange tree in their yard.

I am obsessed with all different kinds of light fixtures.

We went to pay respects to Waylon Jennings in Mesa, AZ.

Glass sculptures at Butterfly Wonderland.

Butterfly Wonderland also had some beautiful plants.

This cactus is hella old.

"It can take 10 years for a saguaro cactus to reach 1 inch in height. By 70 years of age, a saguaro cactus can reach 6 and a half feet tall, and will finally start to produce their first flowers. By 95-100 years in age, a saguaro cactus can reach a height of 15-16 feet, and could start to produce its first arm"

How to tell you're not in Wisconsin anymore.....

The city of Scottsdale lights it's streets.

See ya later alligator.....

Regrets

I used to say that I never wanted to have any regrets.  This was many years ago.

Lately I've been reflecting on things and I've discovered that I do live with regrets.

There was a time when I wanted to be a graphic designer.  I wanted to go to school in Colorado.  I wanted to live an exciting life and experience new things.

I wanted to be successful.  I had big hopes for myself.

Funny, life didn't play out that way.

My biggest regret was not taking that chance to go and do those things.  I held back because I just didn't believe that I could.

My second biggest regret was no finishing what I started.  I ended up going to college locally and majored in economics.  I left my senior year with about 16 credits to go.

Once I had kids, I always told them that having an education is important.  Once you have it, no one can take that away from you.

My son is now an engineer and my daughter is planing on becoming a veterinarian. 

But what kind of example am I setting?

An opportunity presented itself so I am seizing it.  

Currently I am going after my degree in economics.

I may not be able to right everything that I regret but I can tick one off the list.

Life it just too short to live with regret.  

The Guarded Heart

I’ve been fighting demons again.

The struggle becomes so difficult that I’m my own enemy.  My mind becomes a weapon against me.

My walls are so damn high and I am just lost.

I need to get back into therapy before it becomes too late.

I used to love so easily and freely. I gave myself to those who didn’t deserve it, sacrificing myself in the process.

Lately I don’t even recognize myself.

I feel so unloved and unwanted, not only by others but even I don’t even want me.  I feel so unloved and closed.  I hurt.

A lot.

I don’t know what to do.

I sit in my solitude.  It is so quiet but at the same time I hear my mind just screaming.  I wish it would just stop.

The lies.  I know my mind is lying but sometimes is just easier to just accept the fact that I’m not worthy of a life of love and laughter.  I’m not worthy of someone’s time.  I’ve become an afterthought or even just a booty call and that’s all I deserve.

My mind is a liar and I just accept it.

I don’t know how to ask for help.

Tears stream down my face as I type this.

Every day I just feel more broken.