Confessions of a Creative Mind

I have always been creative.

Ever since I was little I was always making something.  My mom saved Christmas cards and we used to cut out circles and put them together on contact paper to make placemats that we used during the holidays.

I would make Christmas ornaments out of anything.  My favorite was using colorful beads that reflected the lights of the tree,

I love arranging flowers.

I am so fascinated with color and how colors blend together or compliment each other.  I love color.  Love love love color.

I make bows and beaded jewelry, key chains, purse charms.  I've sent out handmade Christmas cards.

What got me started on my current addiction was butterflies in resin.  I had recently taken a trip to Phoenix, AZ and visited Butterfly Wonderland.  The gift shop had beautiful, colorful butterflies in resin for sale. So I purchased this butterfly:

I proceeded to try to put it in resin.  Note the key word "try".  I ended up setting the butterfly on fire and failed miserably.

So I went to YouTube to watch resin artists and how they do resin art work.  I decided that resin just isn't for me. One click led to another and I ended up watching Kanella Ciraco and was hooked.

Kanella Ciraco Art

She made it look so easy and I thought I would try it.  My first attempt was with metallic teal, copper and sky.

I love how it turned out.

So I tried another one with more colors.

I then found other artists on YouTube.  One used silicone in her paint and then swiped it with a paper towel.  I was in love.

Ann Osborne Art

Here is my first attempt:

I was amazed at how easy it is.  It is incredibly messy but sometimes you need to be messy to be creative.

Messy messy messy....

I find that when I am creative I am not as depressed as I can be.  During this uncertain time with the Covid-19 virus keeping us separate and in fear, I thought an outlet would help.

I can't even tell you how many paintings I have done within the last couple of weeks.  I do know that I have given away over $100 worth of completed works of art just because I want to share the beautiful colors with anyone who wanted one.

It just makes me happy.

So once I mastered the technique, I started trying new things to paint on.

It amazes me how much I enjoy creating.  I hope to continue growing as an artist and possibly do some bigger canvases.

Right now I only have my small kitchen table in my small apartment to work with but here's hoping to do big things in a small place.

Here are some examples of what I have done:

If Life Throws you Lemons, Pick Up More Vodka

Ha!

I love that line....the one I used for the title.

Life has been quite interesting lately.  Lots of changes all at once.

I maybe should have mentioned that I hate change.  Especially negative change, change that is stressful and ugly.

Oh well.

I moved and changed jobs again.  This is because it just happened, it wasn't my choice.

Good thing I can adapt.

I don't mind downsizing so much since it means that someone else cuts the grass and blows the snow.  I don't mind the new job because I like what I do.  I like working with actual customers and am appreciated for the work I do.

Being happy isn't about the size of your house nor is it the amount of money you make.  Being happy is about being content and stress free. 

I am slowly figuring this out.

Everything eventually becomes ok.

We All Run Out of Gas Sometimes

Insomnia is setting in.

I expected it this time.

I have never hidden the fact that I suffer greatly from depression.  This isn't new news.  Sometimes I feel that it is old news and I whisper to myself, "People are really sick of hearing about your shit, Julie".

Oh well, my blog...my shit.  If you are sick of it, why are you reading?  :-)

Anyway, back to my day.

I am somewhat embarrassed to say it (write it) out loud...and I keep stalling, can you tell?

So...

I guess I will just say it.

I got fired today.

So what does this have to do with depression?

Well, besides the risk of adding to it; it also is the cause of it.

I stopped giving a shit.  I didn't catch it or heed the warning signs.  I just stopped giving a shit and it showed.

I haven't been this bad in a very long time.

The last time I stopped giving a shit at work, I lost the job and it catapulted me into a brand new life in a new state with new adventures.  That was 1998.

I didn't cry and carry on after I was let go.  I accepted the fact, packed up my desk and proceeded to move on.  I didn't even cry when I ran out of gas on the way home.

It is almost comical in a strange sort of way.

It is 1:30 in the morning and I am not tired.  I am not sad.  I am not melancholy.  I am not sobbing "oh poor poor me".  I am not even stressing about what to do next.

Nope

I am writing...well and also toggling back and forth between tabs because I found this...

I am going to be freaking famous someday

Some times things happen for a reason.  Yeah yeah...I know everyone says this to make a bad situation seem not so bad but in all seriousness...

I stopped giving a shit for a reason.

I just wasn't happy.  Happiness is important, sometimes more important than other things.  Life is just too short.

The job was a job that I wasn't passionate about.  It didn't tap into my creative side.  In order to be happy, I need to have passion and creativity.

I know it did pay the bills but I did move to a reasonably priced apartment (that's another thing that happened for a reason).  I can survive until I figure stuff out.

This is all a weird feeling because I thought that as a victim of depression, this would have sent me over the edge...spiraling out of control and dialing up the therapist the second I got into my car (lord knows I had time since I was waiting for eternity for someone to rescue me).

Nope, I have a sense of relief.

I am Afraid of my Vision Board

A vision board is something that my counselor suggested that I do to realize my goals and desires.  It is basically to keep me from losing sight of what it is that I want in my life that will make me happy.

I put up a big bulletin board in my kitchen and tacked on pictures of houses, gardens, puppies and kittens and a trip to Niagara Falls.  (shut up...I really want to see a big ass waterfall.)

I want my own house so I can create my own flower gardens.  I want to have a dog and a cat.  (I already have two guinea pigs.)

Ok, so now that I explained that....

I put an ad in the paper.  I am looking for a house to rent to own or land contract.  It was a small little ad with only 12 words and my phone number.  I didn't think any one would call.

then...my phone rang....

A gentleman said that he bought a farmhouse on foreclosure and is in the middle of fixing it up.  It has four bedrooms, two baths, a new furnace, water heater and ac unit.  It sits on 6 acres of land with a barn and pond.  He is willing to do a rent to own or land contract on the place.  Would I be interested in seeing it?

Holy shit!

So, yeah...I looked at it.  It is perfect.  It would not cost any more than the rent I pay now.  It would be bigger and quieter (I hate my current neighbors).  I would be able to have flowers and animals.

Then I came home to my vision board.

I could have cried.  I could have a house with gardens and have a dog and a cat and ducks too.

But then the fear set in....

FEAR!!!!

WTF?

I have heard life coaches talk about fear.  Fear of change.  Fear of failure.  Fear of this and that....

Fear of what keeps us from realizing our dreams and goals.

So all day I have been listening to my inner voices try to reason with the fear.  I keep hearing my mom "Jesus Christ, who is going to plow the snow or mow that yard?"  "How are you going to deal with the water heater blowing up?"  Mom was always quick to point out the negatives.  She still does even though she is no longer here and it drives me bat shit crazy.  I keep asking myself if I can do this.

I want to do this.  I need to do this. I need to get past that fear and just say screw it, it ain't going to kill me.

At least I hope it won't.

:-S

Ninja Insurance Warrior

I've been in Ninja Insurance Warrior Boot Camp for most of the week.  I am training to be a Ninja Insurance Warrior.  I need to complete this in order to get my super ability to indemnify people.  

I am dead serious.

I have actually written several blog entries but haven't been able to post them.  I wrote mostly about my feelings about my mom's death.  It has been incredibly hard to write about since my emotions are all over the board and my writing reflect it.

I talked with my step dad tonight and he said that he has been yelling at my mom for leaving him. I can relate.  I have wanted to yell many times at her.  She left us too soon and she is mostly to blame for being stubborn and careless with her health.  It makes me angry that she isn't around any more and will miss out on so many things.

Yeah, I know you might be thinking that she will be around anyway but to us living people it isn't the same as having her participate without popping up in a ghostly fashion.

Back to my training.

A couple of months ago I decided to make some changes.  I needed to leave the profession I was in.  I wasn't satisfied and I wasn't too happy about co-workers causing drama.  I was stressed about mom being sick.  Something had to give, so I left my job and took one at an insurance agency.  I will be a licensed professional.

I went from working in a highly corporate (world headquarters) environment in which I had to watch what I said and did to working in a very relaxed environment with two people.  It has been pretty darn cool and my stress level is way down.  My stress cough is pretty much gone.

yay!

I knew I wasn't happy so I did something about it.

Even though change completely terrifies me, I did it.

yay again!

Courage comes from within.