Just love her...
She will open your world. She will help you see things in a whole new way. She will make you laugh at the most inopportune times.
Just love her...
She will strip you naked and kiss every inch of your skin. She will make you feel new feels. She will look at you and you will just know, you are hers.
Just love her...
She will open a universe of stars for you to see. She will make you think. She will frustrate the hell out of you. She will challenge you.
Just love her...
She will watch you sleep. She will inhale your breath. She will wake you at 3 am just because she craves your taste.
Just love her...
She will make you feel as if you are the only person she sees. She will smile a smile that is only for you. She will only hear your voice.
Just love her...
She will give you a bond that is stronger than for better or worse. She will care for your hurts. She will understand your sorrow.
Just love her...
She will let you feel her from the inside. She will bring you to new heights. She will look at you as if you were the only person see has ever seen.
Just love her...
She will love you.
Sometimes I sit and just wish....
I wish I was taller sometimes. It seems like I am three inches too short to reach just about anything. Why in the heck do they put two liters up so high at the local Piggly Wiggly? I just stand there and sigh and say a little prayer that I won't just drop one on my head as I try to finaggle (yes, that's a word) it out of its spot and into my cart.
I wish I were prettier sometimes. I look in the mirror at my poor tired face and think I just looked better about 10 years ago. Life really takes its toll on a woman's face. Just sayin...
I wish I were richer sometimes. Not just with money but with wealth. It seems that I don't have much of anything. I don't have an estate. They do say money can't buy happiness but I don't think I would be sad sitting in a big house with no payment. I also don't think I'd miss my job much. It tend to make me tired.
I wish I had more friends that lived closer and wanted to do shit. I basically sit at my job all day (looking tired) and then I go home and sit (looking tired) alone. I don't interact with anyone other than my kids. I don't go to a Saturday bridge club nor do I go bowling. I don't do much of anything except spend time with myself.
I wish I could just go some where else. I get tired of being some where. I watch that House Hunters show where these people just leave the life they are living to live another life some where else that is different. I think, "Wow, such new experiences and cultures." I was to just go do that.
I wish my kids got along better. They bicker and argue. This makes me tired (and have a headache). They aren't very tolerant of each other. I keep thinking that things will get better as they get older but so far they are just older.
I wish I could have spent more time with my mom before she died. I regret not just going to spend time with her. Instead I stayed here with no friends and my crappy job (my old job that made me not only tired but angry). I should have just left here and went there.
I wish I could have explained to my mom how therapy was working. She would have just got defensive though and probably angry and most likely would have stopped talking to me. She got mad at everyone else including her mom and sisters and my dad and other people and just stopped talking to them. She made it difficult to be me sometimes.
I wish I was skinnier. I know I should diet and exercise and all that crap but I don't. It is my fault but still, I can wish for it. I wish french fries made you drop the pounds.
I wish I could be with someone who wouldn't just leave me or cheat on me or just be a real douche bag. This tends to prevent me from dating. It also makes me lonely. Maybe this is why I got the three damn cats. This is why women get cats. They get tired of being hurt. I wish this wasn't the case, but it is.
I wish I was happier. I need to find out what exactly makes me happy. I need to find a passion or have a goal or something.
I wish I could write a fabulous book that allowed me to do tours and be on stage to talk about the crap in my book. People would always want to come listen to what I have to say because I am witty and wise.
I wish my asthma would go away. I cough so hard sometimes that it feels like my brains will explode out my mouth and leave me dead right there on the street. My chest hurts and it makes me tired.
I wish I could go back in time and just do what I wanted to do instead of what others wanted me to do. I would have made mistakes. I probably would have had regrets. I most likely would have failed a few times. I just would have been better than wondering "what if".
I wish I wasn't so tired sometimes.
I just wish....
Over the last year or so....or maybe even longer I have really been thinking about what I am passionate about.
You see, I struggle with depression. Some of it is because I am not doing what I am passionate about. I sit in an office all day doing what I do. Not that I hate my job, but I am not passionate about it.
Insurance is not what lies within my dreams.
Nor was law....(I was a legal assistant for a good stint of time.)
I went to counseling when I was really struggling. I spoke about my past. I spoke about my dreams and what I desired to do. I think this was the first time ever that I voiced it and didn't receive criticism for it.
You see, when I was five years old and a wee tot in kindergarten we were asked to state what we wanted to be when we grew up. I was so excited to share that I wanted to be a farm girl. I drew a picture of a girl standing next to a horse in a barn. My detail was extraordinary for a five year old. (In my opinion) You could really tell that was what I was passionate about in 1975. Really, that is what I wanted to be. I loved animals. I loved the big yard. I loved the garden and orchard. I loved living on a small farm. And my teacher asked what I wanted to be.....with my chest bursting with pride and joy and a sticker on my picture I ran up the driveway to show my mom. With a big smile on my face I handed her the picture and she looked at me and asked...
"Why on earth would you want to live on a farm for the rest of your life?"
I was deflated.
That was the first of many attempts of figuring out my passion and was the first of many replies of "Why in the hell would you want to do that?" and "You can make any money doing that." oh and my favorite....
"Have you lost your damn mind?"
Obviously my mother was not supportive. My dad was pretty much non-involved. He was off selling insurance. He sold insurance for a good portion of his life. I am pretty sure that wasn't his passion.
But....that's his story and this is mine.
I cannot just blame my mom. (I do love her and miss her)
I could have just thumbed my nose at the negativity and just have done what I wanted to do.
In high school we were supposed to work with the counselor to develop our goals. I really never had any. I was afraid to dream big and reach high. I molded myself into whatever anyone wanted me to do.
I was accepted into a university in Colorado to pursue a degree in design. I wanted to design buildings and their interiors. I still look at structures with awe wishing that I took that path.
There were other plans.
I was told that I had to go to school locally or it would not have been paid for.
Again, I was defeated.
Worried that I couldn't do it alone, I set out to major in Economics and pretended to be happy.
That was then....
And now, I sell insurance.
*sigh*
It isn't my passion. My passion is lurking somewhere underneath, just wanting to bust out again. Fear is what keeps it hiding. Hiding so deep that even I am unsure what that passion is anymore.
I have dreams at night of me up on stage. I am a motivational speaker. I am telling others to find out what it is that they really want in life and to go out after than damn dream.
We only live once.
There are no do-overs here.
So many of us are unhappy. We walk around pretending that this is the life we want. We take our anti-depressants and plod along.
I often think back to my drawing. I know I have it somewhere in a scrap book.
I believe that it is time to pull it out and hang it where I can see it. It needs to become a constant reminder that my passion is there and I just need to find it and let it soar.
*Update* Here is the drawing. Don't be too jealous of my five year old self and my creativity.
