Write Like No One is Reading

I wish I could write like I used to.  It was so easy to put my thoughts out there.  It always helped to clear my head.  Hell, I have blogged for years.  I used to blog on MySpace.  (Remember MySpace?)

Now, since I've received a few anonymous letters in the mail dissing me because of what I write, I tend to second guess everything.  I friggin hate that.

So, I am just going to type away and see where this goes.

It is going to be a pain in the ass though because I am blogging on an iPad.

Today I spent time trying to be distracted.  I have a court hearing tomorrow for something totally bullshit.  This is something I won't type about until it's over because sometimes shit can go south and if it does, I'm going to need to vent.

I also have a lot going on in my head.

Lately ive been feeling stuck.  I am tired of living the way I live.  I'm lonely.  I'm tired. I'm frustrated. I'm confused.

Why is life so difficult?

I thought I deserved better. I work hard. I studied hard. I love hard. I care about people.

None of it seems to matter.

How do other people do it?

I have goals and dreams.  How in the hell do I achieve them?

I guess this will need more thought.

My depression hasn't been too horrible.  I've been trying to do all the right things like eating right, sleeping right, doing my hobby, yadda yadda.  So there's that.

I'm hoping tomorrow goes well and then I'll go from there.

Mind Dump

I dreamt of my mother last night.  It was a weird dream that included racks of clothing.  A sales person in knee high boots and a carnival act in the parking lot of a store that included large inflatable clowns and a child.  My mom and I were shopping (I guess) and on the way out we saw the clown act with the child and I elbowed her and nodded to the act and she shrugged.  No words were exchanged.  Then the alarm went off and that was that.

Weird huh?

The dream probably means something deep down.  What is strange that I remember the dream so vividly from about 12 hours ago.

I dream of my mom here and there.  I also dream of my grandparents too.  Not always all together and not always every night.

Things have been changing around here.  My daughter's dad and I decided to enroll her in a private Lutheran school here in town.  We are hoping that this helps with social issues and also we hope that it gives her a challenge with her school work.

I was against the transfer at first.  I am not overly religious and I worried about how much it would cost.  

We took a tour of the school and once inside the church sanctuary, I had this overwhelming feeling of being home.  

I used to go to church frequently with my friends.  I liked to sing the hymns.  I liked to listen to the messages given.

Some where along the way, I lost my faith.  I began to question my beliefs.  I just gave up on believing on anything.  I stopped praying.  
After taking the tour, I have been thinking about revisiting the church and maybe getting my faith back.

So there you have my mind dump....just a couple of random things rambling around my brain.

P.S.  I just reread what I wrote and my spell checker doesn't like the word "dreamt".  What the hell?

If Wishes Were Horses Then Beggars Would Ride

Sometimes I sit and just wish....

I wish I was taller sometimes.  It seems like I am three inches too short to reach just about anything.  Why in the heck do they put two liters up so high at the local Piggly Wiggly?  I just stand there and sigh and say a little prayer that I won't just drop one on my head as I try to finaggle (yes, that's a word) it out of its spot and into my cart.

I wish I were prettier sometimes.  I look in the mirror at my poor tired face and think I just looked better about 10 years ago.  Life really takes its toll on a woman's face.  Just sayin...

I wish I were richer sometimes.  Not just with money but with wealth.  It seems that I don't have much of anything.  I don't have an estate.  They do say money can't buy happiness but I don't think I would be sad sitting in a big house with no payment.  I also don't think I'd miss my job much.  It tend to make me tired.

I wish I had more friends that lived closer and wanted to do shit.  I basically sit at my job all day (looking tired) and then I go home and sit (looking tired) alone.  I don't interact with anyone other than my kids.  I don't go to a Saturday bridge club nor do I go bowling.  I don't do much of anything except spend time with myself.

I wish I could just go some where else.  I get tired of being some where.  I watch that House Hunters show where these people just leave the life they are living to live another life some where else that is different.  I think, "Wow, such new experiences and cultures."  I was to just go do that.

I wish my kids got along better.  They bicker and argue.  This makes me tired (and have a headache).  They aren't very tolerant of each other.  I keep thinking that things will get better as they get older but so far they are just older.

I wish I could have spent more time with my mom before she died.  I regret not just going to spend time with her.  Instead I stayed here with no friends and my crappy job (my old job that made me not only tired but angry).  I should have just left here and went there.

I wish I could have explained to my mom how therapy was working.  She would have just got defensive though and probably angry and most likely would have stopped talking to me.  She got mad at everyone else including her mom and sisters and my dad and other people and just stopped talking to them.  She made it difficult to be me sometimes.

I wish I was skinnier.  I know I should diet and exercise and all that crap but I don't.  It is my fault but still, I can wish for it.  I wish french fries made you drop the pounds.

I wish I could be with someone who wouldn't just leave me or cheat on me or just be a real douche bag.  This tends to prevent me from dating.  It also makes me lonely.  Maybe this is why I got the three damn cats.  This is why women get cats.  They get tired of being hurt.  I wish this wasn't the case, but it is.  

I wish I was happier.  I need to find out what exactly makes me happy.  I need to find a passion or have a goal or something.  

I wish I could write a fabulous book that allowed me to do tours and be on stage to talk about the crap in my book.  People would always want to come listen to what I have to say because I am witty and wise. 

I wish my asthma would go away.  I cough so hard sometimes that it feels like my brains will explode out my mouth and leave me dead right there on the street.  My chest hurts and it makes me tired.

I wish I could go back in time and just do what I wanted to do instead of what others wanted me to do.  I would have made mistakes.  I probably would have had regrets.  I most likely would have failed a few times.  I just would have been better than wondering "what if".

I wish I wasn't so tired sometimes.

I just wish....

I Wanted to be a Farm Girl

Over the last year or so....or maybe even longer I have really been thinking about what I am passionate about.  

You see, I struggle with depression.  Some of it is because I am not doing what I am passionate about.  I sit in an office all day doing what I do.  Not that I hate my job, but I am not passionate about it.

Insurance is not what lies within my dreams.

Nor was law....(I was a legal assistant for a good stint of time.)

I went to counseling when I was really struggling.  I spoke about my past.  I spoke about my dreams and what I desired to do.  I think this was the first time ever that I voiced it and didn't receive criticism for it.

You see, when I was five years old and a wee tot in kindergarten we were asked to state what we wanted to be when we grew up.  I was so excited to share that I wanted to be a farm girl.  I drew a picture of a girl standing next to a horse in a barn.  My detail was extraordinary for a five year old. (In my opinion)  You could really tell that was what I was passionate about in 1975.  Really, that is what I wanted to be.  I loved animals. I loved the big yard.  I loved the garden and orchard.  I loved living on a small farm.  And my teacher asked what I wanted to be.....with my chest bursting with pride and joy and a sticker on my picture I ran up the driveway to show my mom.  With a big smile on my face I handed her the picture and she looked at me and asked...

"Why on earth would you want to live on a farm for the rest of your life?"

I was deflated.

That was the first of many attempts of figuring out my passion and was the first of many replies of "Why in the hell would you want to do that?" and "You can make any money doing that." oh and my favorite....

"Have you lost your damn mind?"

Obviously my mother was not supportive.  My dad was pretty much non-involved.  He was off selling insurance.  He sold insurance for a good portion of his life.  I am pretty sure that wasn't his passion.

But....that's his story and this is mine.

I cannot just blame my mom.  (I do love her and miss her)

I could have just thumbed my nose at the negativity and just have done what I wanted to do.

In high school we were supposed to work with the counselor to develop our goals.  I really never had any.  I was afraid to dream big and reach high.  I molded myself into whatever anyone wanted me to do.

I was accepted into a university in Colorado to pursue a degree in design.  I wanted to design buildings and their interiors.  I still look at structures with awe wishing that I took that path. 

There were other plans.

I was told that I had to go to school locally or it would not have been paid for.

Again, I was defeated.

Worried that I couldn't do it alone, I set out to major in Economics and pretended to be happy.

That was then....

And now, I sell insurance.

*sigh*

It isn't my passion.  My passion is lurking somewhere underneath, just wanting to bust out again.  Fear is what keeps it hiding.  Hiding so deep that even I am unsure what that passion is anymore.

I have dreams at night of me up on stage.  I am a motivational speaker.  I am telling others to find out what it is that they really want in life and to go out after than damn dream.  

We only live once.

There are no do-overs here.

So many of us are unhappy.  We walk around pretending that this is the life we want.  We take our anti-depressants and plod along.

I often think back to my drawing.  I know I have it somewhere in a scrap book.

I believe that it is time to pull it out and hang it where I can see it.  It needs to become a constant reminder that my passion is there and I just need to find it and let it soar.




*Update*  Here is the drawing.  Don't be too jealous of my five year old self and my creativity.

I am Afraid of my Vision Board

A vision board is something that my counselor suggested that I do to realize my goals and desires.  It is basically to keep me from losing sight of what it is that I want in my life that will make me happy.

I put up a big bulletin board in my kitchen and tacked on pictures of houses, gardens, puppies and kittens and a trip to Niagara Falls.  (shut up...I really want to see a big ass waterfall.)

I want my own house so I can create my own flower gardens.  I want to have a dog and a cat.  (I already have two guinea pigs.)

Ok, so now that I explained that....

I put an ad in the paper.  I am looking for a house to rent to own or land contract.  It was a small little ad with only 12 words and my phone number.  I didn't think any one would call.

then...my phone rang....

A gentleman said that he bought a farmhouse on foreclosure and is in the middle of fixing it up.  It has four bedrooms, two baths, a new furnace, water heater and ac unit.  It sits on 6 acres of land with a barn and pond.  He is willing to do a rent to own or land contract on the place.  Would I be interested in seeing it?

Holy shit!

So, yeah...I looked at it.  It is perfect.  It would not cost any more than the rent I pay now.  It would be bigger and quieter (I hate my current neighbors).  I would be able to have flowers and animals.

Then I came home to my vision board.

I could have cried.  I could have a house with gardens and have a dog and a cat and ducks too.

But then the fear set in....

FEAR!!!!

WTF?

I have heard life coaches talk about fear.  Fear of change.  Fear of failure.  Fear of this and that....

Fear of what keeps us from realizing our dreams and goals.

So all day I have been listening to my inner voices try to reason with the fear.  I keep hearing my mom "Jesus Christ, who is going to plow the snow or mow that yard?"  "How are you going to deal with the water heater blowing up?"  Mom was always quick to point out the negatives.  She still does even though she is no longer here and it drives me bat shit crazy.  I keep asking myself if I can do this.

I want to do this.  I need to do this. I need to get past that fear and just say screw it, it ain't going to kill me.

At least I hope it won't.

:-S

Afraid to Sleep

He comes into my dreams, uninvited.

Sometimes I find myself yelling at him.  Sometimes I am crying.  Sometimes we are back to where we were before everything turned wrong.  Sometimes he is just there.

He haunts me still.

A year after.

He still has control and I cannot make him leave.

He is sleeping with my friends.  He is telling me that he doesn't love me, over and over again.

How does this happen?

How does he still exist in my mind when he chose to leave a year ago?  How does he continue to torment me?  How does he manage to turn my thoughts into him?  How does he control me from within? 

I cannot control my dreams and maybe he knows this.

Perhaps my pain still lingers.  

Unending.