My Guard Is Up

 

Sometimes I have the idea of what I want to write but the hardest part is starting the dialog.

I often find myself wanting to apologize for my feelings.  When I express how I feel I worry that I might hurt or offend who I am expressing to.  I have tried to find some understanding as to why I tend to do this.  I have given advice to others that we are entitled to have our feelings and shouldn't have to apologize for them and yet I do it.

Recently, I have expressed my feelings to someone on how I didn't deserve to be treated a certain way.  I wasn't loud about it and I wasn't vulgar in calling names.  I just expressed my feelings of being hurt and not understanding why he felt that it was ok to treat me a certain way.

I am fighting the urge to apologize for expressing how I feel.  I am uncertain why.  I wasn't the shitty one.

I am what is considered to be a guarded girl.  I have loved and loved deeply only to be hurt by that person I loved.  My walls are up and my heart is scarred.

Many have hurt me, left me and I often feel unlovable to a fault.

I never understand why no one wants to step up and be that person that I deserve.  We all deserve to have 100% of someone.  Imagine how it would feel to have that in a relationship.

I promise that I am that guarded girl who, once my heart is opened, I would love the total shit out of you.

Life is way too short for shitty relationships.  

I am no longer going to apologize for my feelings.

If you hurt me, I will let you know.  I will not want a response or an apology.  I will simply walk away.

There is someone out there who is more deserving of what I have to offer.

That someone will be one lucky son of a bitch.

 

A Girl Like Me 2.0

 

A girl like me overthinks.

A girl like me needs to realize that she doesn't need to have someone tell her that she's beautiful because she is.

A girl like me needs to not allow her insecurities to lie to her.

A girl like me should know her worth and not allow the unspoken words manifest in her mind.

A girl like me should not be afraid to have difficult conversations.

A girl like me needs to communicate her feelings to a guy like him.

A girl like me needs to understand that a guy like him is not like the other guys that hurt her.

A girl like me needs to realize that a guy like him will not know how a girl like me thinks and feels unless I share it.

A girl like me cannot assume that a guy like him will know what is wrong unless we have a conversation.

A girl like me needs to stop overthinking and just breathe.

A Girl Like Me

 

A girl like me never gets flowers.

A girl like me is always called sexy or hot.

A girl like me is never told she is beautiful.

A girl like me gets sent dick pics and not kind words.

A girl like me never gets asked out to dinner.

Guys only want to fuck a girl like me.  A girl like me never gets to have a relationship.  

Guys don't love a girl like me.

A girl like me starts to doubt our self worth.

A girl like me doesn't feel like they are loveable.

A girl like me feels used and tossed away like a used tissue.

A girl like me cries themselves to sleep because they wish they had someone to hold them.

A girl like me deserves better.  A girl like me deserves 100%.

A girl like me wishes that I wasn't a girl like me.

Losing Kate

 

Katherine Marlene was born at 16:16 pm on June 9, 2002.  She was a petite 7 pounds, 5 ounces and had a full head of hair.  She had big, beautiful eyes and long fingers.  She had a tiny little birthmark on her earlobe.  We knew she was a girl long before she made her appearance.  

As she grew, her personality really started to shine.  She was smart and funny.  She was also quite trying on the patience at times.

Her teen years started with her always wanting to succeed in school, bringing home straight "A"s without me even having to push.  She was always harder on herself.

Teenage Kate had her hard moments.  We struggled with her eating disorder and low self esteem.  We sought help on numerous occasions.  She attempted suicide once and was hospitalized.  Once we found the right treatment, she started to soar.

At the beginning of this September it all came to a halt.

Her move in day at the start of her sophomore year of college turned into a nightmare.  

She was raped by another student in his dorm room.  

She internalized the trauma for about ten days before she told me.  Ashamed and embarrassed, she didn't want to be judged.  As a rape victim, one tends to blame themselves and is often afraid to speak out.  A victim feels afraid of retaliation and also fear that they won't be believed.  A victim is in shock and is unable to fully process what has happened to them.

I finally talked her into reporting it and she went to the hospital to get examined.  During the exam, she vocalized wanting to die and they had to commit her to behavioral health for 72 hours.

After her release, she was exhibiting signs of delusions and hallucinations.  Her dad was concerned and brought her back to the hospital.  She has been diagnosed with psychosis.  She has been creating an alternate reality to hide from the trauma of the attack.

As a parent, I cannot explain how horrible it feels to have lost your child on top of knowing what she has been through to bring her to this point.  

She doesn't deserve this.... any of it.

I cannot visit her due to covid restrictions.  I cannot hold her and tell her that she will be alright.  I cannot take away any of her pain.  I couldn't protect her from the monster who did this to her.  I cannot wipe her tears.

When I talk to her, I don't know this Katie.  

I pray that I have not lost her.  I pray so hard.

I listen for any little hint that she's still in there somewhere.

I don't want to be losing Kate.

Dear Phil

I visited you today.  I brushed the leaves from your headstone.  Tears stung my eyes.  I has been so many years, my friend, but it seems like yesterday that I last heard you laugh.

I remember your smile and your kind eyes.  You tried to hide your hurt but I could see it.  I remember our talks.  I remember how you got me to laugh.  We were friends who shared a common battle.

You chose to end your battle with your demons and insecurities. I still struggle with mine.

I often wish that I as a better friend and wonder if I had only stopped living my life enough to hear your call for help.  If I only took that moment to be there for you.

It is one of my biggest regrets.

I stood at your grave to be with you for a moment, praying that you are at peace. 

Some day I will see you on the other side.

Help is available

Suicide Hotline

800-273-8255 

Hard to Hide My Crazy

 

Lately I find myself apologizing for my emotions and feelings.  In theory I shouldn't have to do that.

I am who I am and I do come with an amount of crazy.  I am not perfect.  I have tender feelings and am easily hurt.

There is large amounts of baggage that I am trying to work through but it is so hard.

There is so many layers of hurt feelings, mental abuse, trauma, and various other crappy things that lurk under my surface.  

I hate allowing anyone to get close because it has a tendency to surface and then I feel the need to apologize for it.

My insecurities come out and I question everything.  

I hate it.

Sometimes I think I need to come with a warning label,  

At the same time, I should be allowed to be me.  

I think we all come with certain levels of crazy.  We all have gone through shit we don't talk about.  

I do find myself wishing that I didn't feel the need to hide it.  It gets hard sometimes when I'm really tired or I have emotional overload.

My crazy comes out with jazz hands and a kazoo.

It's hard to hide it.

Unlovable

 

I feel so unlovable at times.  It's hard to explain but the feeling is real.

Some say I'm funny, smart, pretty and have a good heart.  I don't see that some times.  I see an unlovable person.

Men have left me, cheated on me, abused me and used me.

I have been left in the wake of the chaos wondering why.  I've been told that I deserve so much more than I've gotten but it never happens.

It becomes so hard to trust that the next one won't be like the others.  I am taken advantage of and tossed aside like a used tissue.

Wounds cut deep and they take long to heal.

Why would someone want to love a mess like me?

Who would be brave enough?

What would even attract them to my soul?

I know it is hard to believe that I think this way.  Feeling unlovable is an incredibly painful experience.  

We all deserve love and to love but it doesn't always happen like the fairy tales and that's kind of sad.

Therapy helps with dealing with my thought process at times but when my guard is down, I let myself feel a little self pity. 

When a person if feeling unloved, they usually believe that other people are the cause or source of the feeling.  IN reality, feeling unloved is ultimately the result of an unresolved conflict within ourselves.

No one is capable of fixing me, I have to figure out what unresolved conflict is in me and resolve it.

.