Mom's Ring

I have weird dreams from time to time.  I guess it is just because I have a weird mind.

I dreamt the other night about my mom's wedding ring.  I can't remember the whole context of the dream, only the fact that I couldn't find it.

This caused me to panic the next morning.

It had been months since I last seen it.  I used to wear it on my diamond necklace since it was too small to wear on my hand.  I also never want anything to happen to it.

It is a small ring with a heart shaped diamond.  I love how simple it is and what it means.

When my mom and step dad got married, I thought it was the most meaningful thing representing their relationship.

Anyway....

The ring reminds me of her.

I know I have written in the past that my mom was extremely narcissistic, causing issues in my own relationships and yadda yadda.

From what I have read so far on the whole dynamic of daughters of narcissistic mothers, the daughters tend to hold such anger towards their mothers.

I must be different.

Understanding what may cause the narcissist to become what they are, helps me forgive anything that may have happened.

I can never hold anger.  It isn't healthy.

Everything that has happened in the past has caused me to become the person I am today.

I love my mom regardless.

I love having her ring.

A symbol of love....

Bad Teeth

As I sit here, my numbing is wearing off.  I can feel it start to throb.  I have tears.  I've been in pain for quite some time.  I never say anything about it since I am embarrassed.

I have a huge fear of the dentist.  It has been this way for many years stemming back to childhood.

The pain got to me and I saw a new dentist today in hopes to have the pain relieved. My coworkers highly recommended him.

I sat in the chair and started to shake.  My fear was overwhelming.  He was so good about me being a baby and understood that there are people like me who have had such bad experiences.

I get numbed up and had xrays.  He examined my teeth.  I braced myself.

Bad news.....it isn't an easy fix.

I waited too long and not just one tooth is the root of the problem but four.

And.....they have to come out.

I started to cry.

He quickly reassured me that an oral surgeon can knock me out and remove them and then we can get implants.

I sat there with worry.

How in the hell am I going to pay for it?

Who is going to drive me to surgery?

Are the implants going to hurt?

To top it off, I couldn't have anything done today except start antibiotics as one tooth is ugly infected.  The other three are badly broken.

So penicillin and Oxycontin it is until I can get to the oral surgeon. 

ugh.....

This totally sucks.

Third Anniversary

Funny how we can remember the small details in a life changing moment.

Tomorrow is the third anniversary of my mother's death.

We knew it was coming but didn't expect it so soon.

I called her in the hospital that morning from work.  I never did this.  There was just that pull to do it and she said that she was being transferred to a larger hospital.  I asked if I should come.  Her responses was, "Jesus Christ, no."  I knew she was going to be fine and would call her again once she settled in at Marquette.  I told her I loved her and she said she loved me.

Not more than four hours later, she was gone.

I was having lunch with my co-workers.  It was my going away lunch as I was leaving to go onto new things.

My sister called me as we were leaving the restaurant.

Mom was gone.

I let out a cry and felt everyone look at me.  I didn't care.

My mom was gone.

As much as that woman drove me bat shit crazy.  I loved her.

I still love her.

I carry her with me always.

There are days where I wish that there was more time.  There are times when I wish I could have been there when she left.

I am so thankful that I made that call the morning.  

She left knowing I loved her.  She left with me knowing she loved me.

(The photo is me and mom on my 26th birthday.  She always bought me glittery sweaters.  I hated it but I wore it because I love her.)

Tidbits

I just spent 10 minutes staring at the white space in which we enter our blog post.  I felt like writing and had tons of ideas to write about.  In fact, I constantly think about writing about this or that during the day but when I get home I just sit.

My mom has been on my mind a lot lately.  Probably because of the season and my upcoming birthday and this and that....

Probably.....

I also wonder if she will make an appearance this year.  We used to joke about my great Grandmother Maude playing with the Christmas ornaments on the tree every year.  It is weird type of thing with us.

Anyway...

I spoke with my son tonight.  He was full of positive energy for a change which was refreshing.  I think he is seeing the light at the end of the semester and is looking forward to the break and to coming home for awhile.

I should be drafting my Christmas letter or something but I haven't the faintest idea as to what to share with everyone.  The sad thing about Facebook is that everyone basically sees what I do on a daily basis and there really isn't much to tell.  

I had a thought to write up a story of some profound giving tale or something holiday-ish.  One year I did write an entire fake life event sort of thing just to change things up.  It is just how I roll.

I just realized that I have been sitting here staring at the screen again. 

I also realized that I have used the letter "I" to start the last several paragraphs.  How narcissistic of me....

HA!

That last bit was sort of inside joke with myself.  

Now I am wondering why you are still reading....

Bed, I should go there and sleep.

Mom's Curlers

"Do you know where your mother's curlers are?"

The question took me off guard.

My step dad called and asked me where my mom's rollers were.  Mom died several years ago from lung cancer.  My sister and I went through all of her stuff at his request and tossed what we tossed and kept what we kept.

I thought it was a strange question.  So I made a smart ass comment...

"Are you planning on making a change?"

He didn't even chuckle.

His girlfriend wanted to have her hair curled.

I sat on the other end of the phone...stunned.

Why would anyone want to use a dead woman's curlers?

I must admit that I struggle daily with the loss of my mom.  But I knew that my step dad was going to move on.

The problem is that I don't think he understands my own grief.  He doesn't understand that things he randomly does or say regarding my mom really bothers me.

It was very very difficult to see another woman sit at my mom's table and even more difficult to watch her sleep in my mom's bed.

(My eyes sting when I typed that just now)

The first time I met the girlfriend, she was sitting topless at the kitchen table right where my mom had her coffee.  I wanted to vomit and run.

The thing with the curlers is that my mom always set her hair.  She used those black rollers with the bristles and the plastic pointy pins and once her hair was up, she wrapped it in a red bandanna.

I could never figure out how in the hell did she sleep with those things in her hair.

In the morning she would take out the rollers and tease her hair until it was mad and sky high in the hair.  Sometimes I wish I had a picture of that sight.

I don't think that I can ever go visit the house ever again.  It is just like my mom was erased from a sketch and you can see the blurred lines just barely.

Grief is a weird emotion.

Pain Caused by Heartbreak Can Leave Scars

The following "poem" was a free write I did back in 2008.  I found it while I was looking for something else.

I met Mike in 2006 and we fell in love and then he disappeared.  With no rhyme or reason or explanation.  He just disappeared.  Sometime in 2009 I heard from him again.  His sweet talk and lovey dovey crap came at me like a freight train.  I was cautious and eventually pushed him away and out of my thoughts.  I really haven't thought much about him since then and I found this.

The emotional turmoil that the man left me in was something I have never experienced before in my life.  I think this may be way I am so guarded against having serious relationships now.

Pain caused by heartbreak can leave scars.

(apologies for the hard language in the photo.....it fit the emotion at the time of the writing)

God, I miss you.

I hate how it feels to miss you.

I had always expected to be friends.

Then love came oh so unexpected.

You said you loved me first and patiently waited until I loved you next.

To you I was beautiful.

I only wanted to be beautiful to you.

You asked me why I was crying.

I didn't want to tell.

You said I would see you again.

You lied...I think.

Months passed and seasons changed.

You left me with questions without obvious answers.  Subtle shades of grey cloud my reasoning.

I blame myself most of the time.

What did I say?

You know, I see you in my dreams.  Haunting me, taunting me...

Standing there.

I try to push you away.

I try to kick you out.

You are always there.

In my heart, on my mind...

I told you with tears that my biggest fear was losing you.

You assured me that it would never happen..

I am afraid that it already has.

Goodbye my lover...

Stingy

I haven't written in awhile.

I do miss it and during random parts of my day, I think...."I should blog about that".

Then I get home, exhausted, hungry and uninspired.

It is sad but I always say that if I don't come home from work tired, I didn't do my job right.

Anyway, that isn't why I decided to write.

I have realized that I have become very stingy with my free time.  I see many people every day.  I talk to strangers.  I help them find what they are looking for.  I talk to my coworkers.  I help them every day with this and that.

When I get home.  I want my time.

It is kind of weird.

I sometimes don't even want to talk on the phone.

Time is something that I don't have much of.

On my days off, I like to sit and do my own thing.  I have even pulled out my beads and crap to start working on my creative jive again.

On another thought....isn't stingy a funny word?