Hello my darling daughter...
I know this will probably embarrass you in some way but sometimes blogging is the way I express my feelings.
Sometimes I feel like I fail as your mother. I think that I struggle empowering you to feel like you can conquer the world. I feel that I don't give you the strength to be strong and confident to face the days that aren't so good. I want you to learn to be strong on the days that aren't so good. I want you to learn to be confident on the days where you feel like falling apart. I want you to learn to be brave on the most scariest occasions.
I know we've had some hard times. I know that those hard times continue to haunt us.
I also feel like I need to apologize for your father and his failure to be a good dad to you. Just know, I wish things were different but at the same time, if they were different and I had made different choices, I would't have you.
You often think that I don't care.
But I do care very much.
Some days it is hard, and you have no idea how hard it is to be a mother.
I don't make excuses but I didn't have very good role models for parents. My own mother issues haunt me. I never want to do to you what my own did to me.
I knew you before you were born. I chose your name, Katherine Marlene. I spoke to you even when you were inside me.
I wish that you could see how I see you.
You are beautiful. You are funny. You are capable of great things.
I just wish that you can see that too.
I love you very much.
...... your mother
Again....
It rears its ugly head.
It seeps into my deepest crevasses and digs deep.
Sometimes it feels so physical, like it grips so tight.
I felt it coming. It was just a matter of time for it to start to really hurt.
Sometimes I cannot mentally prepare for it. I just have to let it come.
So I hurt.
I fail to understand some things. The why for what causes it.
Like "Why doesn't he talk to me anymore?" and "I feel like I am just not good enough." and also "I am not strong enough to cope."
My daily physical pain wears on me too. There is just never any complete relief.
The weather plays a part. I am tired of fighting the cold. Sick of the constant white backdrop.
Work is becoming mundane and repetitive. Waking at the ungodly hour of 3 am is wearing thin.
Instead of reaching for a razor this time, I find myself wanting to just disappear. I want to run and be unknown. I want to reinvent myself and not be the current me.
It's such a sad, lonely feeling.
There is no joy, no laughter, no happiness.....
only me and my depression....
I was told that I needed to lose ten pounds in order to even start the ball rolling to have my knee replaced.
I panicked.
I have been the same weight since 1996. (or that's what I tell myself)
I'm a liar.
I have weighed less, considerably less.
Mayo clinic is who I've been dealing with and they have a valid point. Even though I think that people heavier than me have had knee replacement.
I had to come up with a plan. I know that I suck at doing it on my own. I have been set in my eating ways for a long time. I drink regular Coke like it's going out of style. I eat Hostess crap. I love my chips and burgers.
Well, most of the previous paragraph should be in past tense.
I joined weight watchers about two weeks ago. I have to say that it is working so far. I am down 12 pounds.
I am surprised at myself and how well I have adjusted my eating habits. I feel better. I reach for fruit instead of cookies. I drink flavored water. (Shout out to Crush for the flavor packets) I eat chicken and shrimp.
I have met my first weight loss goal and had my weight certified by my doctor to send to Mayo Clinic. Honestly, I cried when I got on the scale. I didn't think I could do it.
Now I am seeing how far I can go with this. I secretly struggle with my self image. Maybe it is just time.
Weight Watchers suggests that we have a "why" for wanting to be healthier.
My "why" was my knee surgery but now my "why" is for me.
I dropped my Coke on the garage floor and stood over it and cried.
I'm a mess emotionally lately.
I haven't been sleeping. I haven't been eating.
I put on a happy face and fake it to the world but in private, my face is sad.
I feel so alone lately.
I worry that it is only going to get worse. My son is grown and moved out. My daughter is a teenager and doing her own thing.
I read some where that loneliness is a faster cause of death than smoking.
I miss having someone to love and to love me as I deserve. This time of year is the hardest.
I tend to feel unlovable and worthless. I feel that men never want to be the person that I deserve. I just build a wall around myself and wallow in my self pity.
Hell, I fear commitment. Every relationship I've had just blew up into ugly.
But I can't just give up.
So I stood over my Coke and cried.
I used to have a piece of the Berlin Wall.
I bet you are wondering how this relates to my mother.
Let me tell you...
This is probably one of this most difficult things to write about and it has taken me years to put it together and just as long to not stop writing to have a cry.
Like I said, I used to have a piece of the Berlin Wall. I also had a very coveted Stephen King novel and a potato belly mandolin.
As I write, please remember that I do love my mother.
You can love someone and at the very same time be angry at them.
I had a bad break up years ago that led me to see a counselor. During my first visit I exclaimed, "Why do I keep choosing the wrong men?"
So the counselor asked me about my past, my family dynamics, my goals, what makes me happy. You know, all that counseling stuff.
After a few sessions, my counselor mentioned that she thought I may be the daughter of a narcissistic mother. She recommended that I read, "Will I Ever Be Good Enough", by Karyl McBride.
I read the book.
And I cried for hours.
and hours....
The book felt like the author knew my life.
The hurt and anger bubbled up to the surface. I had an understanding of why I am the way I am.
A narcissistic mother has the family revolve around them. The pit siblings against each other. She is extremely controlling of one child (me), makes one out to be the bad kid (my brother) and ignores the rest (my sister).
A narcissistic mother cannot exhibit empathy. She doesn't acknowledge your successes and stresses the importance of how things look to her and not how it feels for you. She is critical and judgmental. She is more of a friend than a parent. She tells you how to feel instead of asking how you feel.
The dynamic of a narcissistic mother is so broad that I cannot even list everything and not all narcissistic mothers have all of the dynamic.
Obviously, growing up, I never knew of this form of abuse but as an adult, I totally do now.
Trying to heal from it is difficult. I suffer from such self doubt.
When I fix my hair, I hear my mom's voice, "If you wear you hair short, you face wouldn't look so fat."
I struggle in relationships. I try so hard to please my partner that I lose who I am in the process. I have had lots of practice trying to please my mother in order to receive love and acceptance. I never felt like I totally achieved the goal.
During my counseling, I grieved for my younger self. I see a little blonde haired girl wanting desperately to be loved but never feeling it the way that it should have been.
Instead of encouraging me to grow and learn my way, she limited me. I wanted to go to college so bad in Colorado. I applied and was accepted at several universities. When the acceptance letters came in the mail, I eagerly showed them to my mom. She looked at the letters in disgust and said that she would never pay for me to go to a school that far away. My hopes and dreams were cut so very short. I basically gave up on dreaming after that.
When I was 21, I finally moved out and as I was packing up my room I noticed my coveted Stephen King novel, that she had even given my one Christmas, was missing as well as a piece of the Berlin Wall that a friend had sent me. I questioned her on it and she said that she took them and gave them to one of her friends because she figured I was doing reading the book and that I didn't want the rock anyway.
Even after all this time, I am very angry. Two of my favorite treasures.....gone.
After my second divorce, my parents were helping me move into my new house. She spotted my antique potato belly mandolin and asked if she could have it back. She gave it to me for Christmas one year. She wanted to gift it to my nephew (that I have never met) because she felt he would appreciate it more than me.
Again, I felt defeated but I didn't stand up to her.
Even after she died, my sister got her wedding rings and she said that was going to happen because I should get my grandmother's ring from my Aunt. She said I should contact her to get it.
So why do I write about this now?
It has taken time. I have so many unfinished drafts. It is a hard subject to explain. I open myself up to judgment because heaven forbid that I talk bad about her.
I can only hope that I continue to heal.
Maybe someday I will be good enough.
Links:
Will I Ever Be Good Enough by Karyl McBride
Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers Website
I don't brag much.
I never see the point. I don't need a pat on the back or sympathy.
I'm a single mom.
I have been for many years.
It is a struggle, a constant struggle.
I am so fortunate to have kids that turned out so great. They could have been such different people without my sacrifices.
My son is now an engineer. He has his head on straight. He works hard and is smart with his money.
My daughter is a straight A student and is on path to graduate with honors. She works, has a boyfriend and still manages to get constant As throughout her high school career.
I am amazed by both.
It has never been easy. It is so hard to be strong for them while over coming obstacles, many of which were put in my path by their fathers.
I am sure some of you are reading this and thinking about their fathers. Both fathers chose to bow out. They left turmoil and unknowns behind. They left me to deal with late night vomit, heartbreaks, homework, deadlines, school projects, fundraisers, practices, no money, utility shutoffs, and homelessness.
These fathers never had to make decisions, never signed field trip slips. They never offered to coach soccer. They never had to make sure the kids had to get to school on time. There never had to be around when a meltdown started.
I have learned enough about cars to encourage my son's love of them.
I've struggled with money. I have wondered how to put food on the table. I've even been evicted by my daughter's father.
I gave up on my own dreams, my own sanity, my own happiness for the sake of raising good kids.
I think I've earned the right to brag a little.
I have managed to raise successful adults.
It hasn't been easy.
Depression has always been my nemesis. I have openly and honestly admitted it. I write about it. I talk about it.
What I've been feeling lately isn't exactly depression. It is just an odd feeling.
I get testy and snappy.
I feel like crying one minute and the next I'm fine.
I have a lot going on.
My job has been keeping me busy. I work dumb hours. I wake up at 3 am to get to work by 4. I'm supposed to be done around 1 pm.
Note the word "supposed".
I've been adjusting to my new schedule and the brutal, physical demands of what I do.
Wait...I should say most of me has been adjusting.
My left knee has been noticeably protesting.
I saw the orthopedic surgeon today. The same handsome doctor that fixed it nine years ago. We did some x-rays and we looked at the x-rays. Both of us said almost in unison, "that looks kind of ugly".
The knee joint is basically bone on bone.
This explains all of the pain.
I knew it.
I left his office with a promise that I would consider having the joint replaced.
I went and sat in my car and cried.
That odd feeling.
Who do I talk to about it? Who do I go to when I have things to decide? If I had it done, who would help me?
All of the questions just came flooding in with a very noticeable feeling of odd.
I'm alone.
99% of my time is spent alone.
Hell, I'm alone right now.
(The dog doesn't count.)
My mom is no longer around to talk to. My dad is suffering from his own aliments.
How do I decide when and if I should get this damn knee taken care of? What do I do for money when I can't work? Who would lead my team? How will I climb the stairs to my apartment?
So many dumb questions....
And then this overwhelming feeling of loneliness.
Damn knee
