As a child I remember the hand me downs. I always received clothes from my older cousins. Getting a new bag of old clothes was always fun for me. I loved my cousins' sense of style. (Even though I think my aunts had all the doing in it.)
We weren't poor but we weren't rich either.
I think my parents saved money this way. Geico wasn't around to switch to back in the late 70's.
These days I think my daughter would have a major melt down at the very thought of wearing hand me downs. She will not even go to Goodwill for Pete's sake.
I try to explain that second hand jeans are the best when they are already broke in. She doesn't buy it.
(Can't wait till that kid gets a job.)
What got me thinking about hand me downs didn't even have to do with clothes.
I am typing this blog on a hand me down (over) laptop. My daughter never used it.
NEVER
Do you know what her father had paid for this thing?
Anyway...
My other laptop, which was a hand me down (over) from my son, completely died.
There was no fanfare, no sparks, no blue screen of death. It just stopped taking a charge. No matter what new charger I bought for it, it just decided to die.
My children didn't only hand me down (over) computers....oh no.
I also have an iPad mini that my daughter never used.
Crazy eh?
These kids are strange.
Maybe they get it from me....
who knows.
But I like hand me downs.
never mind.... I'm not making sense.
I keep referring to my kids handing me "over" because they aren't really handing stuff down to me. I am older after all.
But they are taller than me...but I digress.
The real blessing in using the hand me down (over) electronics is that I can spend my money on other things. Like groceries, bills and gas to get to work.
Maybe someday my kids will change their minds when they have kids of their own.
You know....I loved you once.
Once upon a time long ago. Back when I trusted everything you said.
I believed that you had loved me too. I loved you deeply and completely. I opened myself up to you. I never loved anyone else as much as I did you. Honestly, I didn't see myself with any other man, ever. I looked forward to a future with you.
You were my one and only.
Then you left.
Not just once, but twice.
Broken heart each fucking time.
I used to be a very forgiving person. I used to trust too. I used to be a lot of things.
Lots of past tense words, eh?
I am not that person any more.
You text me now. You say you miss "talking" to me.
Texting isn't talking.
The fact is, I don't miss you. I don't miss your sweet words. I don't miss your fine talk. I don't miss our private little jokes. I don't miss any more of your sugar coated bull shit.
I deserve much better.
At first I couldn't figure out why, after all these years, did you choose to miss me all of a sudden. I was baffled as to why you would poke at my heart again with an email.
Then it dawned on me and I did some digging.
I think you forgot how cleverly, smart I am.
I see that she's divorcing you.
I've been staring at this blank page for awhile.
I want to write. (I need to write.) Words just escape me.
I guess I will just type and hope that it makes sense.
Things aren't right with me. They haven't been for some time. I know something is up but can't put my finger quite on it.
I tend to blame my depression. (That dirty bastard) But it isn't just the depression.
Stress had been a big cause.
I have a lot of it and it has been hard to deal with.
Being single and not having anyone to take some of the burden away doesn't help.
Being single and being a mom doesn't help.
Being a good worker and trying to be perfect doesn't help.
All of the burdens fall on my shoulders. My back is getting that huge fist like knot in the upper middle and my head aches all of the time. The brain doesn't shut up. Sleeping pills aren't working. My health is deteriorating. My eye even exploded the other day. (Sounds more dramatic than it really was but the blood vessels in my eye popped)
My doctor doesn't like the fact that my blood pressure is super high and has been for quite some time. And she tells me to make dietary changes, lose some more weight (duh) and relax.
RELAX!!!!!
(hahahahahaha....excuse me while I wipe a tear)
How in the hell am I supposed to relax?
She suggested yoga.....in my spare time.......
yup, that's going to work well
I wish I could afford a vacation.
I go in on Tuesday to find out just how serious the stress has damaged my body. I worry about that now.
I get several tips like:
Take a bath (I loathe baths....LOATHE them)
Take a walk (I limp like a gimpy bastard and it hurts)
Take a nap (Hello, sleeping pills don't help me sleep)
Pet the cat (He's a grumpy mother f**ker)
Paint or color (pft...I painted to whole damn kitchen.....twice)
Go for a ride (um, gas ain't 99 cents anymore)
Yeah yeah....I'm full of excuses.
But seriously, all of the above and even some tips I haven't even mentioned are only temporary distractions from the more serious stresses.
These stresses seem so colossal that they will never fully subside.
I can only keep hoping that something gives and I find some relief from everything that is worrisome. I also hope to find a way to get some zen.
(sorry about the long babble...sometimes just writing helps)
Typically, most days, I love what I do.
I mean for like 18 out of 24 hours a day, I love what I do.
That's pretty good I think.
I hear a lot of people pissing and moaning that they hate their jobs. Hate is a pretty strong word, right?
I suppose you get where I am going with this.
But there are just some times where I'm driving and it's quiet and my head wanders and I am talking to myself and, and....and.....
I come up with things like:
"I'm fairly smart and creative, why can't I just start my own business?"
or
"There's got to be more to my life than just this."
I guess I tend to wish that I could figure out how to do something I love and get paid for it to the point where it just doesn't feel like work.
People have been just down right crabby lately. Customers, co-workers, bosses.....you name it, they are CRABBY.
To the point where I can't stand to be around any of them.
It is hard for a person who has depression to keep her shit in check with all of the negativity flying around.
If I could run a business from home and do what I love without dodging crab nuggets all freaking day long, that would be just great.
Maybe I just need a vacation....or a margarita......or both.
sigh
Love lasts for but a moment like a ripple on a small, solitary puddle.
I fell in love not just once, but twice. Both times left me scarred and broken. The second, I have yet to heal from. The first has chosen to resurface but I am numb. I choose not to respond.
I was married twice but didn't love once. A sad fact. Perhaps I had hoped but love to come Hard to say, it was a long time ago.
Love is difficult, love is blind. Love is a fickle bitch.
I am reminded of my failures by the candy coated bullshit that graces store shelves. Reminding us that the day of love is just around the corner. I want to scream and pull the pink and red from the aisles, tossing it to the floor, where my heart once laid.
Perhaps I am bitter. Love failed me. Love was hidden in lies and promises. I no longer trust love.
I am single like sliced cheese.
I had a rough day. Just some bullshit at work, the kind of bullshit that caused me to second guess my decision to do what I do. I hate that feeling and it is hard to shake it.
But that isn't the reason for this post...
After my day, I came home to eat, log into Facebook and to chill on the couch. I saw a post by a friend...
"Why am I important to you? Make that your status. See what you get."
I answered her post, copied it and posted it as my own status.
Then I got to thinking, "Why should we have to ask that?"
Why don't we ever tell someone why they are important to them? Why not share it without being prompted?
Life is rough and even rougher for some. Why not just say "Hey, you matter to me and my life is better for having you in it."
Wouldn't that be awesome if we just did that?
With all of the negativity in the world today, it would be nice to just hear something positive.
And hey...
You are important to me, because without you, I would not be sharing my thoughts with anyone. Thank you for reading.
"You eat too much."
There's a statement, huh?
Funny how such simple words can cut deep and scar long.
I heard the words a few days ago. In fact, my own dad said them to me.
I still have tears just typing them.
I was excited and was looking so forward to his visit. I don't see family much and I've been working long, crazy hours.
The visit didn't go as I had hoped or expected.
It was almost as if I was back in my childhood. A very unhappy time with two parents who fought often and harshly. Sometimes their anger towards each other spilled over onto us kids. In fact, I often think of my childhood as being inside of my own hurt locker.
I grew into an adult who craves to be loved and cared for. I grew into an adult who's unable to make a decision because she was never given the confidence. I grew into an adult who looks in the mirror and sees her long hair making her face look fat.
I know as a reader you might be thinking that my parents were horrible people but they really weren't. Looking back, I can understand their adult lives and emotions. Perhaps they parented the best they could. But even with understanding, it doesn't keep my child-self from hurting.
I do catch myself wishing that I had a different childhood. One where parents hug you and tell you that they are proud of you. One where mom and dad hug each other and speak to each other in normal tones.
Perhaps my dad didn't mean his words to be as hurtful as they were received.
As a parent, I don't ever say anything to my kids that cause them to second guess who they are. I tell them that they can choose to do or be anything that they want to be. I never make them feel stupid for trying to help with a project.
I hope my children never have to feel like they have a hurt locker.
