Never Really Been Loved by a Hand That Touched Me

It's about two hours before the New Year here.  I am sitting home alone in bed drinking a glass of cola.

Exciting eh?

Lately I've had a lot on my mind about my single status. 

I turned fourty eight a week ago.  I think my last relationship was about 6ish years ago.  It ended badly.  He lied and cheated.  It has taken me a long time to get past it.

Maybe I'm not past it.

The lyrics of a Matchbox 20 song, Push, roll around in my head.

"And I don't know if I've ever been really loved by a hand that touched me,

And I feel like something's gonna give,

And I'm a little bit angry."

Looking back on all the past years I don't think I have ever really been loved.  I have been told that I was loved but I've never felt it.

I have never had a man care about my well being or my feelings or even bent over backwards to do something nice for me.

I've been married twice and have never had a romantic proposal.  One was where he tossed the ring on the table and the other came home drunk and just said "let's get married".  

What the hell?

I've been taken advantage of, cheated on, left, used and just treated like a non-person.

I'm angry about it.

I am a good person with a big heart.  

However, the heart is very guarded.  My eyes well up with tears as I type this because it is so sad to realize the truth.

Sometimes I wonder why no one asks me out to dinner or a movie.  Or when they ask me out, it seems that they have a hidden agenda.  I sense sexual over tones in messages and turn them down.

I'm an empath, its what I do.

All this time, I never followed my senses.  I thought that if someone got to know me, they would love me.  They would want my love.

It never happened that way.

So here I sit alone again.

Birthday Blog

In a few hours I was born 48 years ago.

I struggle a bit with this birthday for some reason.  I'm not turning 50 or 60.  I wasn't angry when I turned 40.  For some odd reason, I hate the fact that I will be 48.

Mom has been gone for over 4 years now.  Her telling the story of my birth resonates in my mind.  We used to get drunk on red wine and she would tell the tale of being in labor, wanting that last cigarette four times, making my dad drive all over looking at lights, the doctor being MIA and the nuns putting her to sleep.

I popped out 48 minutes after midnight.

I am almost positive that if the events didn't happen, my birthday would be today.

I think the main reason that this birthday upsets me is the fact every day when I walk into work, there is a countdown to Christmas.  This countdown also is to my birthday.  This countdown reminds me of the days to when my mom isn't here to tell the story of my birth.

Jesus may have his story told over and over.

I miss mine.

A Total Miscarriage of Justice

I never in a million years expected something so horrible could happen to my family.

This blog has been written and deleted and rewritten again because I wasn't too sure I wanted to share or if I wanted to keep it to myself.

So I guess sharing won.

To give some history....

I was married once to a guy and we had a kid.  We bought a house.  We had problems and divorce.  The kids and I moved out.  (My son was from a previous nightmare relationship.)  

Fast forward ten years....

My kids and I were living in a small apartment and the neighbors were giving the police lots of business.  I approached my ex since he bought a new house and our old house was sitting vacant for two years. I offered to buy it from him on land contract.  

We saw a lawyer but never finalized things.

My dumb ass moved us in anyway, trusting this man to follow through with finalizing everything.

Fourteen months go by.....14!

His new girlfriend doesn't like the idea of any of this,

She gets herself involved.  She gets him to sign a power of attorney.

She files for eviction.

SHE. FILES.

Not him

This eviction goes to court and then is dismissed on a technical issue.

I agreed to be moved out by December 15th.  

I agreed!!!!  

A second eviction was filed by her six days after the first eviction was dismissed.

SIX DAYS!!!

Even after I said I was moving out.

Second eviction was filed by her without him even knowing she did it.

SERIOUSLY!!!

My ex said he was going to get the second eviction dismissed.  He told me this in person.  He said this in front of his daughter.  He said he was going to call me the next day. 

He never called so I called him..... six times.

He never answered.

I get a phone call from the chief of our local police department telling me to stop harassing my ex and that I am not allowed to call him again.

SERIOUSLY!!!

So I put together an answer to the complaint and went to court today.  The judge asked if I had anything in writing regarding the land contract, the agreements of my move out date, the dismissal.....

Of course my trusting dumb ass never thought about getting anything in writing.

And then the judge said that I had plenty of time to make arrangements to move out with my ex.  When I explained that there was no way to contact my ex since I get a trespassing ticket if I knock on his door (the girlfriend's doing) and I can't call him, the judge said that he is finding in favor of the eviction.

I was stunned.

I have a signed lease with my new place and can't move in until December 1st. 

The judge didn't care.

I mentioned that my daughter's father is making her homeless.

The judge didn't care. 

My daughter's father just allowed her to become homeless.

This man didn't even have the balls to come to court.  He gave his shitty girlfriend power of attorney over my property.  He hasn't even been with this twat for a whole year.

I came home to a sobbing child and I can't make this better.

I tried calling the ex's mother to try to get her to have him call me.  I explained what happened and how upset my daughter is and as that woman was hanging up, I heard her laughing.

The grandmother was laughing.

WTF!


We have about three days before the sheriff comes to remove us.  We will not have any access to any of our property that is left here.

I cannot believe how quickly this whole mess went wrong.  I keep thinking that this is a nightmare and that it isn't happening.

It is right before the holidays.

How does a father allow this to happen?  What kind of grandmother laughs at her granddaughter's sorrow?  What kind of family does this?

WTF!!!

I am thankful for my family and all of their support.  Even if they are hundreds of miles away, they are here for me.

I am thankful for my friends for the offers of help.  Many have offered to store our belongings and take in our animals until our new place is ready.  I am also thankful for those who have offered us a place to sleep for the next two weeks.

Even in this awful time, I am thankful for those who care.

I've Never Met An Evil Atheist

My title in no way is intended to offend anyone.

I never judge anyone on their religion.  I never talk about my beliefs, however, I am a non believer.

With that being said....

Let's get on with what I really want to write about.

The last four weeks have been trying to say the least.  I cannot discuss what is really going on for the interwebs have eyes and I have someone who isn't very nice and is more than likely to use whatever against me.

However, I will discuss something that irks me.

There are Christians whom I have encounters who claim to be Christian but they seem to be the most awful, evil people out there.  They are openly judgmental and rude. They don't care who they hurt or how they present themselves.

But these people are Christians.  They hang pictures of Jesus in the home.  They tote bibles around with them.  They go to church every Sunday.

Blah blah blah....

I call bullshit on their fake ass facade.

Perhaps they do all these things in order to seek atonement for their sins.  They seek out forgiveness for the harm and hurt they cause others.

I refuse to go to church because I cannot sit among hypocrites.

I am sure there will be someone reading this who will say that all the bad things that have happened to me or will happen to me is because I am an atheist.

Nope.

The bad things that have happened to me usually stem from some Christian who cannot seem to follow God's word.

I refuse to believe in some higher power just to justify someone's idea of how to be a good person.

I am good and kind.  I empathize with others.  I know right from wrong.

I don't need religion to be that person.

This entry stems from my severe anger involving a current issue.  I am in no way claiming that all Christians are hypocrites and I am in no way claiming that Atheists are stellar citizens either.

I just wish we all just stop hurting each other.

Write Like No One is Reading

I wish I could write like I used to.  It was so easy to put my thoughts out there.  It always helped to clear my head.  Hell, I have blogged for years.  I used to blog on MySpace.  (Remember MySpace?)

Now, since I've received a few anonymous letters in the mail dissing me because of what I write, I tend to second guess everything.  I friggin hate that.

So, I am just going to type away and see where this goes.

It is going to be a pain in the ass though because I am blogging on an iPad.

Today I spent time trying to be distracted.  I have a court hearing tomorrow for something totally bullshit.  This is something I won't type about until it's over because sometimes shit can go south and if it does, I'm going to need to vent.

I also have a lot going on in my head.

Lately ive been feeling stuck.  I am tired of living the way I live.  I'm lonely.  I'm tired. I'm frustrated. I'm confused.

Why is life so difficult?

I thought I deserved better. I work hard. I studied hard. I love hard. I care about people.

None of it seems to matter.

How do other people do it?

I have goals and dreams.  How in the hell do I achieve them?

I guess this will need more thought.

My depression hasn't been too horrible.  I've been trying to do all the right things like eating right, sleeping right, doing my hobby, yadda yadda.  So there's that.

I'm hoping tomorrow goes well and then I'll go from there.

The Note

I received an anonymous note through the mail yesterday.

It was poorly written and if it was meant to intimidate me, it failed.

As I have written about before in Anonymity is the Voice of Cowards, when someone chooses to remain anonymous they are cowards.  They cannot just come out and voice their opinions.

This was the third anonymous letter I have received by way of mail.  It is also the third one on file with the local police.

People are insane these days.

If this person expects to change my behavior by way of a note, they are sadly mistaken.  

There are details in the note that only point to one person who may have sent it.  I will not call them out.  It is sad that they are so focused on what I am doing or not doing that they cannot seem to find anything else to direct their energy on.

So again, whoever took the time to type up this little note isn't really anonymous at all.  They are a heartless, petty, ugly, horrible person.

They suck at anonymity.

I know exactly who they are.

Questioning Karma

Have you ever said "Karma will get them"?

Lately I have been wondering who I wronged so much that I am going through such rough times.

I've been dealing with work and personal issues for the last month or so.  My strength is being tested.

I am so close to saying "fuck it" and just disappear.

This is not how I expected my life to be.  I constantly wonder if I will ever be truly happy.  Will I ever be stress free?  Will my  depression eventually win and I will just end?

The recent events are due to my ex husband and his girlfriend.  I can't talk about the details because I can see this ending up in court.

What I can talk about is just how I am handling it.  

I just don't feel safe;  not in my home, not at work, not anywhere.

Today they showed up after being told to stay the hell away until the court system decides who has the rights regarding the house.

I called 911 and it took the police over 5 minutes to arrive.  What if they broke in and hurt me?  What if they set the house on fire?

People do some crazy shit these days.

I am trying to stay strong but all I want to do is just disappear.

So I am left wondering what the hell did I do that was so awful to deserve all of this.  

I have never felt so alone in my feelings until now.